That’s been my week, pretty much. I’ve had a week-long, self-centered, pity party for myself.
I’ve been discouraged, and I’m tired. Spending last weekend with my parents was really good, but I came home totally spent, and then had to start the week trying to dig myself out of a hole. And the babies aren’t sleeping very well again this week, so I’m really worn out. I’m finding myself getting easily cranky about small things. It’s not fun to be around myself…I don’t know how Eric is putting up with me.
I know what brought most of this to a head, though. On Wednesday, a friend from college stopped by for a few hours. It was great to see her and chat. And she had her 5 week old with her, whom I hadn’t seen yet. Unfortunately, I realized later that spending that time with her, both of us dealing with our little ones, was eye-opening for me. It was the first time I actually could compare the amount of work one takes with the amount of work that two takes. And forgive me for saying this, but two is a lot harder. Her son is already 11 lbs., so he can sleep longer than my 12 week olds can. She can keep him awake after feeding to encourage a schedule. He eats and she puts him down to sleep and then walks away for a while. None of that is true for me. The reality hit me hard and discouraged me. And it’s been hard to shake the self-pity that resulted from her visit.
EDIT: Of course, I don’t mean to imply that one is not hard. It is. And having more kids, one at a time or otherwise, is also crazy hard. So to all the mommies out there, I know you know what I’m feeling and thanks for all the encouragement! END EDIT
But I am trying to correct my attitude. I know that much of this is because my time with Jesus has been hit-or-miss for months (about 2 and a half, to be exact). I know that I’m not walking in the Spirit because I’m totally fulfilling the lusts of my flesh (i.e., self pity). Instead of love, I’m annoyed with people. Instead of joy, I’m discouraged and cranky. Instead of peace, I’m anxious and easily upset.
I want my mental stability back. I want to sleep again (though that doesn’t have anything to do with not being Spirit-led). So, here’s my question for you mommies out there. How do you manage to get your “devotions” in? What works for you: a book, certain reading schedules, something else? I need some advice so I can start to kick these bad mental/spiritual habits I’ve gotten into…thanks!
It’s good to be aware of your feelings, but don’t be too hard on yourself. This stuff is incredibly trying and you certainly find out what you’re made of and the extent how much you absolutely NEED God while you’re going through it. Anyway, I get a daily devotional email from Proverbs31.org. I really like it because it’s something I can take in quickly while I’m checking the rest of my emails, especially on the days I just can’t find the time to sit down with my Bible. You should check it out. Keep your chin up, momma! 🙂
Bennett & I do “our devotions” during her second morning feeding but I realize that works because I have one hand free to flip the pages. Are you still doing any pumping? Maybe you could listen to something on tape or on your iPod while you are pumping, or just try to use that time for prayer. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have twins- I feel like God didn’t give me twins because He knew I couldn’t handle it, but He obviously knows that you can. He must have a pretty high opinion of you. 😉 Hang in there!
And, hopefully, they will sleep in longer than Michelle’s girls do!!!
This is the first time I’ve sold at our sale.
I don’t know what exactly to say about the post. First of all, from experience two is harder than one. However, don’t think that one is easy. I’ve done both and both are hard. The lack of sleep is the hardest. And to me it sounds like you’re feeling like any first time mom. I actually had a lot harder time dealing with decreased sleep with Sierra because I had no idea how hard it was going to be. Even though I got less sleep with the babies because I had to feed two instead of one, I dealt with it better. I’m not sure this helps, but know that it won’t be too much longer before you get to sleep longer!
Shannah – I think right now you are in survival mode. you have to do what you have to do to get through the day. Since mine are older and I only had 1 at a time
I wake up before they do in the morning and have my quiet time. I think it is good for (bigger) little ones to see their mommy and daddy reading their Bible. When my kids were teeny tiny it was hit or miss. I spent time with Him as I could. Looking back I should have and could have done better…..but I was honestly just hoping to survive. I can’t imagine how you would wake up earlier than they do as you are not sleeping through the night. Just remember – they will eventually sleep all night. You will get semi-normal rest back. And when things aren’t so eratic, you can figure out a plan that suits you and your babies schedule. Spend time with Him as you can, whenever you can. He will honor your faithfulness and sincerity. Don’t get too legalistic about it, there are other ways to worship and spend time with Him. He knows your heart, Shannah.
Shannah – I don’t know how you do it. Babies are hard enough when there is only one, so with two….once again – I don’t know how you do it. I pray that life gets easier and you get some sleep soon. As for the devotions, I’ll be honest it was hit or miss for me until I started to get some sleep. It never failed that as soon as I would open the Bible to start my devotions I’d be nodding off because I was so exhausted. I just found myself doing a lot of praying those days. I also joined a community Bible Study (that has child care) so it forced me to be in the Word (I REALLY needed the accountability) Anyways – hoping this weekend may bring refreshment for you !
Shannah, is there a high school girl who would be interested in coming over a few days a week to give you some down time? You wouldn’t even have to leave the house. It would just give you a little time to do whatever it is that you need or want to do. I know that when my kids were young, I didn’t always have time for regular devotions/bible reading time either. But, I now realize that worshipping God doesn’t have to be only reading His word. Just being open to hear His voice speak to us is time spent WITH Him. Keep hanging in there. Even though it doesn’t seem like it now, the days are flying by!!
I have no advice. These girls gave you great advice. Two is definitely harder. I’m praying for you!!! Oh how I wish I lived closer and could come and hold a baby or help you out in some way.
Shannah,
Finding time to meet with God will be harder from now on, pretty much! All mommies can relate! One thing to remember is GRACE. God loves you no less on the days when you miss your devotions. Another thing to remember is that you aren’t required (or even expected) to have a totally silent, mountain-top experience with God each and every time you meet. For now, be content to read a few verses (while you’re doing something else, probably) and try to meditate on those throughout the day. Pick an area of the Bible that you know has spoken to you before in a special way, don’t pressure yourself to drag through a hard book “just because”. Other suggestions are to try to go out on a Saturday morning or other time when Eric can watch the kids and just be alone and quiet for a little while. This used to do wonders for me. Journal when your brain can’t focus on reading. Pray without ceasing. And as for “devotional material”, I’ve found that i enjoy this little booklet called “Encounter with God” through Scripture Union. It has a daily passage, meditation and application, but it is short and sweet.
You will get sleep again, I promise!
hey you! I really feel for you. Everytime I was pregnant, I wished for twins. And then every time I had the baby, I was so thankful that it was just one. So, I can only imagine-but not really know-what you’re going through. One baby is a ton of work, let alone two.
I know those emotions, though; and they’re not fun & they’re not easy to shake. And it’s not easy to find time alone with God–and truly, it’s not easy to always spend the time alone with God even if the time is available. Just remember to take it one day at a time. Don’t worry or fret about what the next hour brings–just do what needs to be done right that minute. If you think too far ahead, you’ll be overwhelmed.
I’m not going to pretend like I always find time to spend alone with my Bible. I don’t. Not at all. I’m ridiculously inconsistent & I go too many days inbetween. But, there have been some phases since all my kids have been born, where I really have be consistent. For a while, I kept my bible on the table & read it while I ate. And (i hate to admit this-it seems sacreligious) I also kept it in the bathroom, so when I finally had time to go…i could read it! I’ve also kept it close by for those wee hours of the morning when I’m up with the baby.
Hang in there!! I wish I had more thoughts/advice/encouraging words to share, but my brain is numb right now…i’ll be praying for you though!! and i’ll come back if i think of more.
also, i’ve heard a lot that with twins, you just have to survive the first year. after that…it’s a million times better.
Oh, Shannah! OF COURSE two is harder than one! And I think my headache is interfering with my brain cells, because I can’t think of a lick of advice for you. So, I will PRAY! And that’s what I’d start with if I were you–tell God honestly that you’re really struggling. Ask Him for help and wisdom.
Hugs to you!!