I wonder sometimes what other people think of me. Do they see me and think, “Boy, Shannah’s got her hands full. I wish I could manage my ______ (life\/kids\/to-do list\/whatever) as well as she does”? Or is it more, “Boy, Shannah’s got her hands full. Why won’t she let anyone help her?”<\/p>\n
The first part’s not really in doubt, because, let’s be honest, I have my hands full.<\/p>\n
But the other part’s what I’m wondering about. Not because I want to know which one people think. But because I am struggling so badly to stay above water these days. And I’m so aware of my every-last shortcoming right now that I am wondering how anyone could possibly think I’ve got it all together…if they actually do. <\/p>\n
Because I don’t. <\/p>\n
Now, I know…parenting is hard (duh). And it comes in seasons (again, duh). <\/p>\n
But right now, I’m in a season of craziness where I am, at most, a half-step ahead of my kids. And usually, not that much. Managing the logistics of my family is just short of kicking my butt right now. I don’t really know why. I mean, I know why. Two 2.5-year olds + one 8-month old = one crazy life. And these days, I don’t feel like I’m handling the craziness all that well.<\/p>\n
Eight months after Megan’s birth, I’m still trying to find a good rhythm. I’m dreading the start of potty-training. Megan is developing a small case of “Only Mommy Will Do.” But mostly, it’s the logistics…<\/p>\n
Going somewhere brand new or working on a different-than-normal schedule is terrifying for me right now because I don’t know how to plan. And getting my little band anywhere takes planning. Lots of it. And other people aren’t always very good at helping me with the logistics because (not surprisingly) they don’t know what I need. Shoot…until we get there, I don’t even know what I need. <\/p>\n
But the result is stress. Lots of it. And frustration…some of it aimed at my kids. More of it aimed at my poor, fabulous husband for “not helping me” or “not just seeing what needs done and doing it without my asking him.” Because (I think), why can’t he just see that it needs done, that I need help, that the logistics aren’t really working?!? (And Eric, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry, and I love you for putting up with me. You’re the best.)<\/p>\n
And, too, God is showing me that the vast majority of my frustration and anxiety and anger and discouragement is really just because I didn’t get my way. It’s selfishness, pure and simple. I get angry at the car that cut me off…because I didn’t get to go first. I get frustrated with my kids when they’re acting up…because they’re complicating MY life. But I also get frustrated with them when all they want is my attention…because I don’t want to give up MY time or MY to-do list to put together a puzzle. And I’ve already mentioned what I do to Eric…which is really all about good old ME, too.<\/p>\n
So I’m struggling to manage my little herd. And I’m painfully aware of my selfishness (I’m pretty sure that’s a huge reason God gives us kids in the first place, right?). Frankly…it’s a pretty stormy season for me right now. And I have no idea how to weather the storm.<\/p>\n
Of course, I could start reading my Bible again. And praying. And walking in the Spirit. I’m sure that would help. You know…since not much good is going in, am I really surprised nothing good is coming out?<\/p>\n
And I could actually surrender my selfishness and pride so that Jesus can deal with it. <\/p>\n
And I could ask for help from Eric, my friends, other people. <\/p>\n
I could start disciplining myself to do little things every day that would keep me from feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do. <\/p>\n
I could probably ease up on myself over the mistakes that I make. Deal with them. Apologize. But then move on. Since it’s not really about being perfect or a perfect mom anyway.<\/p>\n
But mostly, I think I need to start remembering, on purpose, that Jesus is the Gospel. He really is good news for my today, for my particular storms. He’s here with me. So I can have hope. And joy. He makes all things new. Even me. And I can do all things, through Christ<\/em>, who strengthens me. For His glory. <\/p>\n Because all of that would help. It’s just a matter of doing them. On purpose, starting today. In fact, starting now…since I think I hear kids up from naps. <\/p>\n So, on that note…happy Friday! (And thanks for reading.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I wonder sometimes what other people think of me. Do they see me and think, “Boy, Shannah’s got her hands full. I wish I could manage my ______ (life\/kids\/to-do list\/whatever) as well as she does”? Or is it more, “Boy, … Continue reading