So Erin woke me up three times last night. And she’s my good sleeper. So that usually means something is wrong. Okay, so one of those times, she’d lost her jingle bunny. But the other two were primarily about her ear hurting. Oh boy. So…after waffling about it for a bit this morning, I made an appointment to have her checked out. SO glad I did. She’s got an ear infection and a viral sore throat (strep test was negative). Poor thing! And that activity certainly filled our morning: doctor’s office by 9, dropped of Rx by 10, hung out at Tim Hortons for a snack (timbits and chocolate milk), picked up Rx about 11, then home for some Mickey Mouse and lunch. They really did great while we were out: Alex stayed totally dry all morning and Megan hung in there (though waiting the last 10 minutes at CVS was really hard for a tired little girl). And now they are napping…lovely!

In other news…

I was really hoping to vote today. It may still happen, but we shall see. 

On Sunday, I took my kids out in the “blizzard” to catch snowflakes on their tongues. They enjoyed it.

Although Alex didn’t like the snowflakes hitting him in the eye, so he tried to catch them looking down.

And Megan…well, she found her own way to have some fun.

She’s so cute!

I’m reading a couple of different books these days (which is unusual, as I typically read one at a time). Bill Bryson’s At Home is a good non-fiction; he makes me laugh out loud. Andy Stanley’s Enemies of the Heart is kicking my butt (in a good way). And I’m currently stalled out on Francis Chan’s Crazy Love. I realize I’m a bit behind the times on that one, but so far I’m not that impressed. I know he’s “moved” a lot of people with his ideas, but I am struggling with his style, so I find it hard to follow his points well. And while I don’t necessarily disagree with his overarching thesis, I have found myself adamantly disagreeing with him on points along the way. So I’m not sure I’m on the “Chan is all that” bandwagon at this point, but maybe I’ll get through the rest of the book and change my mind. 

Oh…and for Lent, I’m reading Seven Sacred Pauses which is a how-to/way-to book on learning the Liturgy of the Hours. I’m mostly reading it at bedtime, so I’m not through it yet, but the idea of pausing seven times every day to pray and reconnect with God and what He’s doing in my day has been refreshing. Okay, so I don’t really do all seven (midnight, 6 am, 9 am, noon, 3 pm, 6 pm, 9 pm) every day, but I have gotten a surprisingly high number of the middle-of-the-night ones done when I’m up with Megan. So hey…that’s something. Anyway, I definitely recommend the book. And the Liturgy, for that matter. At least it’s good for me…

And with all of that, I’m definitely filling my days. I spent most of yesterday on laundry (particularly stain removal). Seriously, Megan is like a walking magnet for anything that can stain her clothes. On Saturday, she dumped Eric’s (cooled) coffee all over her head and chest. Then later smooshed chocolate cake into her second change of clothes. If it weren’t for OxyClean and Clorox bleach pens, I swear that girl would have nothing to wear.

But still, when kids and chores and routines aren’t pushing me around, I do have a handful of writing projects I’m working on. And another project for my mom’s birthday next week (though it won’t be anywhere near done by then). And I have a meeting on Wednesday night so I can sell at our Twins Club consignment sale next month. And our church’s moms group meets on Thursday night. And the kids (all 3!) are going to spend a night at the farm this week, too. So we are definitely not hurting for activities to fill our time. But, as I already lost this post once (grrr!), and naps will be ending altogether too soon…I need to move on to another project and fill my time with that for a while.

Happy Tuesday!

While I was settling Megan in her room last night, Eric was reading the twins a story out of our Jesus Storybook Bible (Erin’s request, Alex then opted for a Curious George story) in their room. Of course, we could clearly hear him through the wall. 

Megan: Daddy?

Me: Yep, he’s reading a story.

Megan: book.

Me: Yes, a story out of a book. It’s a Jesus story.

Megan: Jee-dus.

Me: Yep. 

Megan: Why?

Me: Because they’re reading the Bible.

Megan: Why?

Me: Because Jesus is the Bible’s story.

Megan: Why?

Me: Because He wants us to know Him.

Megan: Why?

Me: Because He loves us.

Megan: Why?

Me: Because He made us.

Megan: Why?

Me: Because He wants to be our friend. Will you be Jesus’ friend?

Megan: Oh-kay.

So today is the last day of February, and I’m very glad about that. It’s been a hard month.

There have been good things that happened, of course. The weather has been unusually balmy, so we’ve played outside a lot. I turned 35. We bought some property on which we plan to build a really fun house in the nearer-than-you’d-think future. The days are getting longer all the time. My kids are generally fun and funny and we’ve had some fun days with friends.

So it’s not been one long horrible month of days or anything.

But honestly, it has been kind of discouraging despite all that stuff. My birthday was hijacked by a stomach bug. My kids have been in a very needy stage, and the constant barrage of noise and requests and whining has worn me down. There have been some less than feel-good family dynamics to work through. There are other realities that aren’t appropriate to mention on a public blog. But mostly, I’ve just struggled to find my way through the daily minefield of schedules, play times, chores and activities. I’m tired. Emotionally drained. Empty. 

I know I’m not walking with the Spirit well. After all, if I were, there’d be love, joy, peace (among other things). And I’ve had none of those recently. Some of that is by choice, I know. I want to sulk and be sad and selfishly wallow in my own freakish misery (10 point if you can name that movie). But some of it is just a season where I’m having to trust that God is there and providing and that all his promises are true…even when I don’t FEEL like any of that is true. To trust what I know, not what I feel. And that, of course, is always hard.

So…I’m not sorry to see the end of February. I’m hoping for a breakthrough in the near future. And maybe I won’t even wait for March to look for it. After all, “today is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” 

And that’s a much better truth to focus on than how I feel anyway. 

He’s quite a little man these day, my Alex. 

We had a recent playdate with some friends who each have two girls. One of my friends was cracking up at him running into the walls (literally). He was running full speed across the length of our kitchen and then bouncing off the wall at the end. The funny part was that I hadn’t even noticed he was doing it yet. It’s nothing out of the ordinary for him (though usually he runs like that into the couch, not the wall). 

Alex is starting to talk up a storm. He can’t quite keep up with Erin (who can?), but he’ll start in on some topic and just keep going until he runs out of sounds (not everything comes out as clear words yet). It usually takes me a minute or so to figure out what he’s saying because you often have to know the context to get his point. He loves to recap the TV show they just watched. He keeps me updated on the last known whereabouts of the beloved stuffed animals. He gets up first thing in the morning and fills me in on everything that’s happened in the 3 minutes that have passed between when he woke up and the time he is speaking to me…and he usually ends with “And I hungry!”

Actually, these days, he is always hungry. I’m gonna be a little concerned about his teenage years at this rate…at least in the area of breakfast cereal (he ate 3 bowls this morning).  Yikes!

The one thing that is pretty consistent about our little buddy, though, is that he is a button-pusher.

Obviously that means technology. He is a full-blown techno-maniac already. He can work the mouse surprisingly well, opening computer games he likes, even opening particular webpages so that he can watch the embedded videos about particular computer games. Seriously, that boy is never gonna be allowed to have a computer in his bedroom because I’m gonna have to watch his computer usage like a hawk!

But really, it’s more than just the computer. If it has buttons, he cannot help but push them. Can not help it. Like yesterday, I couldn’t understand why my phone wouldn’t charge from the outlet where it is normally plugged in. Eric figured it out this morning when he tried to turn on his coffee maker. Earlier yesterday, Alex notice the GSFI button on a different outlet and, of course, pushed the button. Sheesh.

But he’s also starting to display an uncanny knack for pushing his sister’s buttons. He knows just what to do to see her melt down into a full-out, tear-streaming fit. And it’s mostly nothing stuff. Like pointing a spoon at her during breakfast. Or looking at her. Or sitting on the couch cushion that she was going to opt for. Or surreptitiously gathering up into his day’s hoard a toy or remote or whatever that she had been holding not five minutes before. She put it down, but as soon as she figured out he had it…cue the meltdown. 

Now I realize that this is a brother thing (I have a brother who was always good at that as well). But seriously…I didn’t know it started so early.

He is definitely a button pusher. Still, he makes me laugh. He’s a super sweet little guy who gives hugs and jumps to you from the highest stair step that he dares and dismantles my couch cushions every day to built forts and towers and doghouses and tunnels. Yep…he’s quite a little man.  

So I need to make a clarification about my rant a couple of posts back. 

As I suspected, I was missing an important piece of information regarding the pediatrician’s new scheduling policy. As it turns out, I finally got someone to tell me today the actual policy, and they now do pre-scheduled morning appointments and day-of afternoon appointments. I had understood that all appointments were now day-of, so I was misinformed. Thankfully, I can make the real policy work for us. I just need to call in a week or so to get a June appointment set up for Megan’s next well-visit (as they are prescheduled through May as of right now). 

Anyway, since I had spread incorrect information in my vent, I thought it appropriate to correct my assertions as publicly as my original rant had been. Sorry for my confusion!

Erin cracks me up. She’s totally into the “why?” stage, which can get totally annoying very quickly. But when she’s willing to have an actual conversation, she has an answer for absolutely everything. 

Like when I tell her to come to the table for a meal, and she responds, “I’ll be right there Mommy. But first I have to finish putting up the green letters. Okay. Then I be there.”

That answer usually gets her in trouble for stalling instead of obeying.

But then there are times, like tonight, where just about everything that comes out of her mouth makes me laugh. She came with me all by herself to run a couple of quick errands.

Our first stop was Target where we’d accidentally left the diaper bag on Monday (they called us to let us know they had it…twice, just to make sure we knew where to find it…how nice!). Anyway, as we were walking across the parking lot, she announces, “Mommy be careful. Watch out for cars. Sometimes cars hit people.”

We got our bag and headed for Meijer to get her pink Cheerios (Yogurt Burst…definitely yummy). On the way, she is chattering away about where the Meijer was and where all the people are and where all the cars are going, and she asks me why we left the diaper bag at Meijer. I told her it was because she had thrown a fit on our way out of the store, and I was hurrying to get her and Alex and Megan into the van, and the bag was on the bottom of the cart so I missed it. But then, I said, they found it and called us which made me happy because my coupons were in there. And somehow, in that context, she throws out, “But Jesus and God, they make people happy, right Mommy?” Um…something like that, Sweetie.

We did make it to Meijer (she was amazed to see all the cars at the Applebees right in front of the store) and got our shopping trip quickly taken care of. On the way out, we started reviewing all her nicknames. “I am Daddy’s Pinkydink. And I am Papa’s Skinny Minnie.” But we got distracted just as I asked what I call her (the answer: Erin Elizabeth). So as we were getting into the car, she says again, “Mommy, I Daddy’s Pinkydink.” And I said, That’s right, and Skinny Minnie to boot. Her response: “Mommy, I not Boot. Papa call me Skinny Minnie. I saw Boot with Dora last night.” Oh…of course, my bad. 

And that is pretty much life with Erin these days. She’s sharp as a tack and verbal as they come and keeps me on my toes. Gotta love that girl!

We were invited to play at toddler time at a nearby inflatables place yesterday. The kids had a blast. There were a lot of kids, but the place was big enough that it didn’t matter. Really, it was a great time, and afternoon naps were MARVELOUS. While Megan and Alex were bouncing in one inflatable, Megan came over to laugh at me through the mesh. She pushed her face against it, right in my face, and said, “I see ooo!” She makes me laugh. 

Alex tends to be a morning eater. He is very picky about dinner, so he’s hungry in the morning. So he usually eats multiple bowls of cereal, toast and sometimes yogurt to boot. Then he’ll eat a decent lunch and pick at dinner again. Last night, he actually ate his dinner pretty well, and still chowed down on breakfast this morning. Actually both twins were up before 7, talking about food. Maybe we’re going to hit a growth spurt soon…

Monday was rough this week. We were just thisclose to a meltdown all day long. Over and over, I’d face one child talking, one yelling, and one crying…all morning long. They just took turns on each option. I seriously felt like a horrible mom. Thankfully, naps went well (I think they were mostly really tired from the weekend), and I even got a bunch of freezer meals made and put away in the afternoon. And my kitchen cleaned. And some laundry done. Apparently, as my mom always said about herself, just wait until I get upset and then watch me work!

So I’ve been trying to get Megan in for a well-visit this week. The pediatrician’s office recently changed to a day-of appointment policy…as in everyone has to call the day they want an appointment and just hope to get a time that works for you. That works just fine if my kids are sick because then I don’t care who we see or when we get in (no matter how much it messes up our day’s schedule). But for well visits, it’s not the same. I want to see our doctor. And I don’t want to skip naps for all 3 kids just to go get Megan’s checkup and shots. Because day-of means that I cannot easily get a babysitter, so I have to haul all 3 kids with me every time. And day-of means I have to try to fit a phone call in at 8 am, just when my kids are making lots of noise about who touched who and what they want for breakfast and why so-and-so needs to have a time out (okay, that last one is pretty much always Erin ). And day-of means a lot of added stress to my already barely-treading-water life in the trenches with toddlers. Frankly, I’m trying to remember to be gracious because the policy change saves them from dealing with a lot of cancelled or missed appointments. And I LOVE my pediatrician. LOVE him. He’s a Christian, he’s awesome with my kids, he’s helpful and kind and has good perspective on kids and their needs. But seriously…I’m not sure I can deal with the added frustration of this new policy every time I need an appointment. Sorry for the long vent…it’s just life, I guess. 

Erin, who has barely eaten a bowl of cereal in months, has fallen in love with Yogurt Burst Cheerios. That’s great. The bad news…I can only find them at Meijer. And we haven’t been to Meijer this week. So we’re out of them. And she asks for them every.single.morning. 

We had a birthday party for me at my Mom’s house on Saturday night. I was glad for it since Eric woke up on my actual birthday with the stomach bug, so we didn’t have much of a celebration last Thursday. It was really fun. Dinner was yummy. My grandparents joined us (I didn’t know they were coming), and a bunch of us sat around the living room and laughed uproariously after dinner. Good times…

We talked on Sunday night at small group about spending our time wisely. It was a somewhat convicting discussion since I, for one, am not nearly disciplined as I should be with my time. I’d like to tell you all that I just don’t have time in my day to do this or that, but really, I have lots and lots of spare minutes that I just don’t use well. Now admittedly, those minutes are often at random times in any given day, and they are often interrupted by a crisis or a needy child. But still, they are there. And I’ve been trying to use them better this week. The bigger challenge is doing it, not because I’m a perfectionist, type-A chick, but because I want to honor God with my time and teach my kids how to use time well (since they will do as I do more than anything else). 

And on that note…Curious George is now finished, so I will have to go back to managing my little herd of turtles. Happy Wednesday!

First of all, I’m sick of being sick. We’ve been sick for pretty much all of the winter so far. Since early January, we have had a steady stream of colds, coughs, sore throats, and occasional sessions of puking (almost entirely occurring between midnight and 6 am, of course). I rarely get sick and even I had a two-week head cold that just would not go away.  And Meg just finished her antibiotics for her two week mucus-fest. Lovely, I know. 

• (On a side note, I just looked up “mucus” at dictionary.com to make sure I was spelling it correctly and learned that “mucus” is a noun and “mucous” is the adjective describing mucus-like things…I’ve officially learned something.)

I’m also sick of the lack of winter we’ve had so far. I don’t really need excessively cold and wintery winters, but I would like one good snow, people, and I don’t want to wait until April to get it. 

I’m already sick of election news…and it’s a long way from being over.

I’m sick of the incessant whining and boohooing my children have been filling this house with for weeks on end (it’s taking ALL of my meager theatre training to keep the frustration out of my responses…and I’m starting to snap at then way more often than I like). We are working on simply asking Mommy instead of pointing and making some noise to get what is wanted, but these lessons are slow-going, to be sure. 

I’m sick of the general disarray of my house (okay, I realize this one is entirely a result of my lack of discipline to clean, but still…it fits in this particular post).

And lastly, I’m sick of being cranky and annoyed at the people who are forced to live in close quarters with me, day in and day out. I definitely feel bad for them these days. I need to get a grip, get a perspective, get a life…maybe just get out more. Definitely need to get more Jesus and less me in the picture for starters. And hopefully, we can all survive until warmer, sunnier, and generally kinder days return. Which, thankfully, they always do!

• You know what is one of the hardest things about being a (Christian) stay-at-home mom? 

Telling people how I really am, how life is really going, what’s really up with me/us.

Okay, so maybe that’s less about my stage of family life and more about my type-A, perfectionistic need to always appear as if I’ve got my life under control and everything well in hand. But still…I really stink at being real.

That’s why I wrote my previous post. An entire post about the things I do that are REAL. Not the life you think I have based on Facebook or blog snippets (or even what I say when I see you in person), where I edit out the worst things and pretend that we don’t struggle through our days and neglect to share that I let Megan sit in her crib boohoo-ing for 20 minutes, hoping that she’d go back to sleep (she finally did, but obviously, I’m a bad mom for letting her “cry it out,” right?).

That’s real life. The hard stuff, the good stuff, the stuff I do that I’m not sure is actually the best, but it’s the best idea I’ve got right now…all mixed up together. Real life, for me, is simply “where I draw the line.” The moment when I put the flag in the ground and stake my claim, no matter what anyone else thinks of my decision or chooses to do in their own families. Sometimes it happens by choice, with planning and purpose. Sometimes it’s just my reaction to the stress and circumstances of my life. But a moment comes when I plant my feet and pick a side…no matter what. 

Of course, that’s also the point when I open myself up to potential condemnation by those same “others.” That’s the breeding ground for every front of the Mommy Wars. At that moment, I’ve committed myself and now someone else can pigeonhole me, compliment me, judge me, agree with me, argue with me, or generally take me to task because they committed themselves differently (or in exactly the same way). 

And that’s, I think, why I try to hide my real life. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want you to think poorly of me. I drew a line in the sand for myself and my family, but your line might be way more strict…or way more lenient. And then, we’re faced with the question of what to do? Whose line is the right one? And how do we know? So we defend ourselves. We justify ourselves. Or we just don’t share.

• Like the friend who once worked the nursery with me. I complimented her son’s shoes and asked where she got them (good boy shoes are hard to find, after all). Her reply? “Well, they’re StrideRite, but I got them at the outlets on super clearance.” Why would she need to say that? Because she had committed herself (bought him name brand shoes) but she didn’t want me to judge her for splurging on shoes, spoiling her kids, or generally be wealthy (read: snobby and elitist).
• Or another friend who suddenly felt the need to justify their family’s decision to turn their youngest’s car seat front-facing after another friend shared how seriously she believed in leaving kids rear-facing as long as possible. There was actually no judgment in the second mommy’s statement. But still, her line had been drawn at a much different place than the first mommy’s…and it caused tension. First Mommy felt obliged to hedge, explain herself, prove she was still a good mommy. (And she is, of course.)

It happens all the time. Real life means the possibility of real conflict. We make a statement, only to find ourselves backtracking so as not to make someone else feel bad because they do something differently. We share our decision only to find ourselves unexpectedly on the defensive. We hear other women claim that they’ve found the “right” or “best” way, and “Don’t YOU want to do what’s best for your kids, too?” And we are ashamed or feel guilty or defend ourselves or just give up and walk away. 

No wonder we don’t share real life with each other. No wonder I hide behind the cute things my kids do and the amount of sleep we got and just say “fine” or “you know…we’re hanging in there” when someone asks me how I’m doing.

Because sharing real life is messy. Because people can get offended, even hurt, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Because someone almost always leaves a mom’s group or a women’s group thinking she’s an epic failure because she doesn’t feel as put-together or as capable or as classy or as “whatever” as the other women she just spent 2 hours with “being encouraged.” And it’s not worth it. So we fake it.

But it’s not working for me any more. 

I’m trying to stop faking it. I’m not very good at it. I was a theatre person and (let’s be honest) a goody-two-shoes, legalistic, black-and-white loving, know-it-all for a very long time, so I know how to do the “mask” well. But the chick behind this mask is lonely. And aching for something more. And wishing she knew how to be part of other people’s lives in a real and beneficial way. Wishing she could figure out how to talk less and listen to people more (talking is another protective measure, like the mask). Wishing she know how to welcome and be welcomed instead of holding everyone at arms’ length all the time. 

And I figure, if that’s how I feel…how many other people, especially moms, must feel exactly the same way.

So I’m learning. Yes…I’m really good at judging and mask-wearing. But I’m slowly learning a new way. A gentler way. A way of grace. A way where real life is okay: you can see mine and (hopefully) I can earn the right to see yours. It takes time, and patience and a whole lot of Jesus. But I think it’s exactly the kind of “real life” He’s longing for us (read: me) to live anyway. 

– Megan barfed on my lap just before I was supposed to go work the nursery at church on Sunday night. On my last pair of clean jeans. So I fished out a pair of jeans from the laundry that weren’t too wrinkled. No problem…except apparently, she’d gotten those jeans sometime earlier. Which I didn’t notice until I got to church (and a friend pointed it out to me). Nice.

– I do not always empty my diaper bags immediately upon my return home. This has, on occasion, resulted in the discovery of used diapers or peed-on clothes a day or two later. Not pretty, but definitely how things sometimes go. 

– Yesterday, I dusted my living room for the first time in a number of months. I did not dust any other rooms in the house.

– Erin has started to learn the concept of contractions. As in, you say, “Erin, you’re silly!” And she replies, “No, I amn’t. I amn’t silly!” 

 -When playing Candyland with two 3-year-olds who are just learning how to play board games, I usually resort to just pulling cards one after the other and telling them where to move because it’s too long and stressful to take turns and play correctly.

– I purposely leave toys that get thrown behind the couch because it’s one fewer toy that I have to put away. (I do retrieve foodstuffs immediately!)

– Yesterday, Megan gnawed on a piece of chalk. Erin had let both girls into the house after we played outside and then locked Alex and me out, and by the time I got a door open, Megan had blue chalk all through her mouth. Then last night, she managed to lick one of those Crayola fizzy bath drops (again, enabled by Erin) so she had blue hands and a bit of blue on her mouth. Thankfully, I got both out of her hands before she actually ate them. 

– I let the twins eat in front of the TV sometimes.

– Recently, the twins have still been in their jammies at 9 am at least 2 days a week. On rare occasions, they are still undressed at 10 am.

– I do not take off my kids winter coats before strapping them into their carseats, even though I know this reduces the effectiveness of the restraint system. 

– I hide crayons. And playdoh. Of course, markers. Stickers if I can manage it. And sometimes puzzles. 

– I do let my children get out my pots, pans and griddles and bang them (or their lids) together. It’s loud and hard on my cookware, but it keeps them out of my hair when I’m trying to make dinner. 

– My children rarely wear socks unless we also are putting on shoes to go outside, and we are totally hit-or-miss with bibs. It is actually easier to clean the dirty shirts than try to keep a bib on Megan.

– Alex has started to be better about going potty as long as we give him a timer (usually on our iPods) when he sits. We set if for one minute. He then waits until the timer counts down and makes its funny sound (ducks, dogs, bells ringing, etc), and then he pees. I don’t know why I didn’t think of timing him sooner…

Yep…life in my house is quirky. We have our own rhythm, and we survive each day. But this is our real life. And kudos to all the other moms out there who are making it through real life, too! It ain’t always pretty…but it’s an adventure all the same!