What time I am afraid…

When David got there, he said he would trust in God.  When I get there…well, it’s much more hit or miss.  It was kind of a rough night.  Still not sure why.  But I was pretty much up from 3-5 this morning for a variety of reasons.  Mostly because my brain turned on.  And as I’ve said before, having that happen, at that time of day, is seriously problematic for me.

Surprisingly, what I do in those moments has changed somewhat.  I used to worry.  About everything.  Now it’s not so much worry as fear.  I’m afraid.  But it’s all a “what if” kind of fear.  What if “this” happens in the morning?  What if “this” doesn’t happen?  What if I do “this”?  What if I don’t?  What if?  What if?  What if?

I know that these moments are a bit cyclical.  I am gradually learning to trust and bring my fears to Jesus immediately, so for a while, we’ll do great.  But then it’ll sneak up on me, and unprepared for the attack, I find myself back to the knot-in-my-stomach fear that has kept me locked up into selfish, un-Christlike thought patterns and behaviors for many years.  So what do I do on those nights? 

David’s verse doesn’t help me very much on those nights…I barely understand the concept of trusting God when I’m super-coherent.  It’s way too vague at 3:00 am.  But another verse is my life-line: Is. 41:10.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

I love that verse.  The Spirit speaks to me, “Shannah, don’t be afraid.  I AM is with you.  Keep your eyes on Him because nothing that happens is beyond his control.  So you don’t have to fear any “what ifs”.

The NAS translates that second part as “Do not anxiously look about you.”  That, I understand.  That phrase makes a lot more sense to me than “don’t be dismayed.”  But, of course, the reason, is still the same…I AM is my God.  He will provide strength, help, support, victory in any situation or circumstance I find myself in. 

What a promise!  What a God!  I AM…Jehovah…the covenant God of Israel is with me.  In the midst of my fear, my worry, my circumstance, I am not alone.  And my companion controls the universe.  Looking at him, I have found, is the only way to stop the cycle of fear.  I may have to do it over and over until my sin habits get the hint and leave me to fall asleep.  But a change in perspective is the only sure-fire cure that I have found for fear.

________

Okay, thanks for listening to my ramblings this morning.  I just needed to get some of that out of my head so I could get started on my day.  The day should be fun: a trip to the mall with Karen.  I’ll try to post pictures of any cute maternity clothes we find.  Then, given my early morning, I’ll probably crash for the afternoon.  Should be a good day!  Happy Wednesday!

I have nothing of value to say today.  Nothing at all.  It’s kind of sad. 

My day yesterday was not worth retelling (and Karen covered the highlights already).

I have no more news or pictures.

I have nothing deep or meaningful to blog about. 

*sigh*

Maybe tomorrow…

Happy Tuesday!

Busy Weekend

We spent most of Saturday and Sunday out at the farm.  It was good to hang out, chat, do nothing (and it was so much nicer to have everyone come to us, instead of having to drive all over Muskingum and Coshocton counties to see them!).  On Saturday, Eric’s brother was gone for the day, so we helped out at milking by feeding calves for his dad.  I got to feed little twin calves, and Eric fed the other three.  There are also, apparently, three more that were still too little to be in the calf hutches, so my FIL fed them.  This many calves is a great thing because all but one were girls…very important on a dairy farm!  And it’s soooo cute to watch them suck down a bottle of milk!

In other news…

• I am officially into my second trimester this week (14 weeks).  Also I am going to have to make my first foray into maternity clothes this week.  I’m just about out of pants that I can wear out of the house, and I am down to dresses without waists for Sundays.  Hopefully, Karen will want to go with me…

• I was downright exhausted last night by the time we got home.  Busy days, less-than-stellar sleep, and a lot of driving tend to contribute to that, I guess.  So an early bedtime was in order.  It was lovely!

• Today I must make a grocery run.  And I’m meeting a friend for lunch.  Then I think I’ll just sit on my couch for the rest of the afternoon.

• And finally, the results of last Thursday’s ultrasound:

This is Baby A (actually Baby B from the first set of pictures, but now closer to the cervix, thus the name change).  This one was sleeping, it seemed, all curled up.  But the head is much more obvious now!

This is Baby B.  As soon as she put the ultrasound device on my belly, we could see this one kicking and dancing around, having a little party in there. No wonder Baby A was all curled up!  And in the first shot of this one, I could clearly see the little leg and foot.  This is the second shot (the printer was out of paper), and it’s not so clear here.  But maybe the next time…

Yesterday’s recap:

• I went to my dr. appointment.  All is well.  I have two new ultrasound pictures (maybe I’ll post them later).
• I did a couple of things at home.
• I drove to C-ville for lunch with Deb and the girls (and Chris).  So fun.  She didn’t tell the girls I was coming, so they were super-excited when I just showed up at the door.  We shared pretzels from my lunch.  Chatted with Deb after lunch for a bit.
• Went up to the University to see the people in my mom’s office.  Showed the pictures.  Told stories.  Delivered a message from my mom. 
• Picked up Maggie and all her stuff.  I think I forgot some things though.
• Spent the rest of the day hanging out with Maggie, then Eric.  Watched Failure to Launch before bed.  Fun times!

Plans for Today:

• We are heading to the farm tomorrow for the weekend.  I need to clean up my house, do laundry, and get ready.
• It’s the neighborhood garage sale in our development.  I may wander around (sans Maggie) and see if there’s anything good.
• Play with Maggie.

Okay that’s it.  Happy Friday!

I still don’t really love the “all-in-one” front page on my Xanga page.  Parts of it are nice, but it’s too busy.  Maybe I’m just too old to be taught new computer tricks…

Just a quick update for now (more later).

I have a doctor’s appointment this morning.  Eric overslept by an hour.   He’ll be a bit later to work.  I’ll be rushing to get out on time.  Well, I guess that’s one way to keep me from worrying even a little bit!

EDIT: The appointment went really well.  I love that I get to have ultrasounds every time I go.  This time I saw a leg and foot…so cute!  The babies are both doing great: same size, correct amount of growth, etc.  The doctor was pleased.  So was I!  Sadly, I only gained 5 lbs in the month I’ve been doing nothing but eating… *sigh*  I just keep trying to remind myself that soon the babies will be contributing more!

I’m running down to C-ville to pick up Maggie, Karen’s puggle.  My parents were watching her, but they flew out to Montana this morning, so I’m watching her for a couple of days now.  Eric’s not thrilled, but we’ll do just fine.  It’s a long trip, though just to pick up a dog.  Oh well…

EDIT (2): Oh, and I decided to go have lunch with Deb and the girls (and maybe make a couple stops at the university).  That will at least justify the two-hour drive, I think!

Okay, gotta run…Happy Thursday!

Twin Stuff

Here’s some of the “interesting” facts about being pregnant with twins that have impacted my life:

• With one baby, we were undecided about whether to find out gender.  However, we decided, once the twins appeared on the ultrasound, to be “finder-outers” because it made me feel less overwhelmed with how to prepare for them.  (BTW – we both want 2 boys…though we won’t be disappointed with 2 healthy babies of any gender!)

• I eat about every 2 hours: breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack (sometimes twice), dinner, bedtime snack.  I haven’t been hungry in weeks (this is good), and I’ve only been full about 2-3 times in that span of time.

• I find myself holding off doing too much prep until after my next doctor’s appointment, partly from a little bit of concern that there won’t be good news (not that this is likely) and partly because I’m still worn out by about 2:00 in the afternoon.  Maybe one of these days I’ll have enough gumption to actually start looking at stuff.

• Eric told his coworkers this week, one of whom had twins in December (about 6-7 weeks early).  She was very excited, and we may find ourselves with a good bit of advice, donations, and general help from her.  That will be nice!

• Speaking of Eric, can I just tell you all what a fabulous man I married.  From the day we found out, he has been helpful, encouraging, and incredibly protective.  He’s not overbearing (not his style), but he makes sure I get what I need and regularly checks in with me.   And he’s so cute to watch when someone comes to talk about it at church or elsewhere…he’s just so proud and smiling.  Love that guy!

• I spend most of every afternoon sitting on the couch with my feet up on a pillow.  Yesterday, I went to WalMart and Target (I spent less than 10 minutes here), but by the time I got home I knew I had pushed a bit too far somehow.  I still don’t have a good sense for how much is too much and how soon I’ll get there. 

• I’ve been doing a lot of good reading about twins stuff.  It’s been very helpful since my doctor’s office, while not unhelpful, is not overtly proactive unless I’m in the office with them.  While I’ve had no problems and no questions to ask, I realized this week how hard it’s been to basically be on my own for the last four weeks, guessing about whether I’m doing the right things or not, without any feedback from those who know.  I’ve decided to wait and see how my next appointment goes before I get too concerned, though.

Okay, so those are pretty random, but they’re all I’ve got today.  Since I wore out so early, I spent much of the day sitting.  I’m just glad it’s summer, so I have that luxury.  And I currently have no plans for today.  We shall see what I come up with!

Happy Wednesday!

Another not-too-exciting day

in baby-making land.  It’s surprising how well I’ve adjusted to the idea that I need to sit and rest more.  Being the on-the-go, type-A, perfectionist type, I am amazed how easy it is for me to just sit down for an hour or more and read or watch a movie or relax.  Apparently, my inner bum is finally getting her chance to shine!

Sadly, I don’t have very much to share.  I did some reading yesterday.  I did clean up the kitchen (twice) and make dinner.  And I went to the grocery store.  I stayed home in the morning because Eric’s new phone needed a signature, so I made sure I was there to sign for it. He was having fun playing with it last night.  Oh, and we watched a movie before bed (Surf’s Up).  It was cute, but not the best animated movie I’ve seen in a while. 

Truthfully, I can’t think of much else to say today. I have a lot on my mind about this whole twin pregnancy thing, but I don’t think I could share it coherently.  It’s a lot harder than I was anticipating.  And it’s hard to keep the appropriate focus (the babies, not me) sometimes.  Maybe I’ll try to put it all into words later…

Anyway, I think I will make a trip to WalMart today (we’re almost out of TP!), but other than that, I’m pretty open.  And I am enjoying the gorgeous weather and loooooong days!  I summer!  Happy Tuesday!

Weekend Recap…

The weekend mostly consisted of my sitting down.  I haven’t been sleeping well which leads to headaches and quick fatigue during the day.  Of course, on Friday, I felt better than I have in a while.  So, since today is the beginning of week 13, I hopefully will be seeing more days like Friday and fewer like yesterday!

Saturday was a work day.  Eric did a lot of work outside.  I did a little work inside (not much) and a little outside (after it cooled off a bit in the evening).  We’ve pretty much finished our flower beds now, so it’s just up to me to keep them well watered until they get some roots.  And thankfully, it rained some this morning here, so I don’t think I’ll need to water them today!

Sunday we ended up at my parents’ house for Father’s Day.  The original plan was a quick trip to the farm, but Eric couldn’t get through to anyone on Saturday morning. Then we found out that his mom and brother would be leaving right after church/dinner to go to the Methodist East Ohio Annual Conference for the week.  So we decided that a 3-hour drive, to see them for 3 hours was not really worth it.  I think we’ll try again next weekend!

Eric was a little bummed, but he handled it well, I think.  We drove down to my parents after church for dinner and hung out for a couple of hours.  We came home about 5:00 because Eric wanted to leave, I was getting way too tired and had a headache forming, and I didn’t want to end up staying for supper.  So we got home and rested a while (I think I actually did doze off), and then I watched a movie while Eric worked outside a bit more.  Then off for an early bedtime.

Not sure what I’ll accomplish today.  It’s too bad that the rain can’t help me cross off more of the items on my to-do list!  I do need to go to the grocery store, but Eric’s new tracfone is also being delivered today and requires a signature.  So I’m debating about whether to wait until it comes before I go.  We shall see…

Happy Monday!

It’s Friday!

That’s about the most exciting thing I can think of right now.  It’s kind of sad, really, but true…

We had a b-day party for my niece yesterday evening.  She’s pretty darn cute, I must say.  She’ll turn 3 on Sunday.  And if you asked her last night how old she is, she’d say “2.”  She’d only say “3” if you asked how old she’ll be on Sunday.  She’s a smart one!  She LOVED opening her presents and having a Strawberry Shortcake cake.  So, so fun!

Today’s plan is not thrilling.  I may run to the post office and library.  I need to do some cleaning (still), but maybe I’ll actually get to it today.  Maybe…

The weekend is still pretty up in the air.  I’m not sure where we’ll end up for Father’s Day.  Eric really wants to go to the farm, but I’d rather wait until next weekend and really just be.  Having just gotten home from vacation last weekend, I’m not terribly thrilled with the idea of leaving for this weekend.  But if he really wants to, I probably can suck it up and enjoy myself.  We shall see…

Okay, that’s about all, I think.  Happy Friday!

Nothing too exciting to report today, really.  I had a headache and didn’t feel good most of yesterday.  So I did a lot of sitting.  I started to feel a bit better in the afternoon, so I did a few small chores around the house, too.  I’m 12.5 weeks pregnant…I hope these headaches go away very soon!

I did run up to the mall yesterday morning.  I was looking for some early maternity pants.  They make some with expandable waists (instead of panels) which would probably be a good idea before the end of the month.  Unfortunately, I didn’t really find any.  AND I began to realize that maternity clothes are going to be potentially problematic for me.  They always say to buy your normal size (“your shape has changed, not your size”), but I’m already having trouble finding maternity clothes in my normal size.  So I suspect I’ll be doing a lot of trying on and getting by for the next few months…this does not excite me right now.

Speaking of a new shape…I did take a couple of pictures for you ladies.  First of all, it was very hard to take these pictures of myself!  And, the bump might be enhanced by the shirt and the angle, but I promise I was not purposely sticking my belly out!

Anyway, last night we had grilled steak and baked potatoes for dinner.  They were yummy!  And then we watched a movie before going to bed.  Neither of us has been sleeping well this week, so we decided that relaxing on the couch sounded nice.

Today, I have a couple of errands to run this morning (before I wear out), and I’d like to do a couple of chores around the house in the afternoon.  Tonight is my niece’s b-day party.  She turns 3 on Sunday.  It’ll be fun to hang out with family!

Happy Thursday!!