Category Archives: Parenting

Day 27: Why (and How) to Parent Innocence

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So we are edging running full-tilt toward the new and exciting world of tweens. The twins will be 9 this December, and I’m watching their maturity levels change before my eyes. They’re asking new questions. They want new privileges granted. They are responding in new (and not always respectful) ways.

It’s fun and challenging and exciting and scary. And it has required some real thinking and intentional conversation on my part. You know, as the “parent.”

For example, Alex wants to play online. He really wants to look up stuff about Super Mario games, but let’s be honest here, there’s a lot online that can surprise you when you don’t have the skills or experience to avoid it. So before I let him up his computer usage, we had a conversation. We defined the computer as a tool, a resource to help you find specific pieces of information (rather than just mindlessly surfing). We established that all computer usage has to be done with our permission (and I put my password back on my screen) and knowledge. Our computer is in a shared room with a glass door, but we specified that the door was to stay open and the screen visible at all times.

He understood. He agreed. It felt kinda like overkill because he stays on the one site we found that has everything he ever wanted to know about Super Mario Brothers. And yet, someday he’ll need to search a bit on his own. And I have to be realistic. Porn is dangerous and the people who push it don’t care about my son’s innocence. I do.

So that conversation got me thinking, especially about innocence. Because if I’m honest, I’d prefer to define innocence as “ignorant.” They don’t need to even know the words or the possibilities or the facts or how their bodies work. They’re still pretty young. It can wait.

But you know, I don’t think it can anymore. I really don’t.

Because I’m more convinced than ever that innocence isn’t about not knowing. It’s about knowing at a level appropriate to your maturity level. It means they know what they should know…and no more. We don’t keep our kids “innocent” by not having hard or awkward conversations with them; we actually handicap them and set them up for more dangerous conversations, possibly from other people who will expose them to stuff far beyond what they should know right now.

Our kids need us to be upfront with them. They need actual information, and it needs to come from us. We need to set ourselves up as authorities–open authorities–in our kids’ lives, and we do that by bringing them the information that is appropriate when it is appropriate so they don’t have to go wandering around looking for it (and getting much more than is appropriate when they do).

So what does that look like? Of course, that depends on your kids and your family. But our kids are probably more ready to know about things than we give them credit for.

Many years ago, my mom called my sister and me into our bedroom and sat down with us and a book, and we went over the “facts of life.” And I realized not that long ago, that we were probably 8 and 6 (or close to that) when she did it. And then I realized…that’s how old my girls are right now. (insert horrified gasp!)

But here’s the thing, I remember that talk. I don’t remember the entire conversation in detail. What I do remember is that she wasn’t afraid to tell us some things, that the book was off-limits (meaning we weren’t allowed to pull it down to look at by ourselves) and that I knew, from that day on, that I could ask my mom literally anything. I mean, she’d been upfront enough to share that information with me. I knew she wouldn’t hide anything I wanted to know.

So I decided to do some research. I found some great resources* that introduce those hard topics (sex and porn) on an age-appropriate level and from a Christian perspective. And I’ve started taking opportunities to talk to my kids about these things. We don’t go very deep. I don’t elaborate beyond the basics. I do want them to be innocent. But that means they need to know just what they should know and no more. And I want them to know that we are the ones to whom they can come for answers to those questions.

Talk To Me: Do you agree with my definition of innocence? What is the benefit of introducing hard topics in a controlled form? What might be the harm?

 

*I have no affiliate connection to these resources, but if you want to look them up, go here (I love that it’s a whole age-based series) and here. And let me know what you think…

Day 25: Why Parenting is So Hard

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1. Because our kids are actual people.

When new parents announce they’re expecting and begin to fill their registry, it’s all so fun. “We’re having a baby!” And then the baby is born and for a while, it’s hard and overwhelming because it’s new and you have to keep this little thing alive. But at that stage, those little bundles don’t do so much. They eat, sleep, need diaper changes. But that’s it.

Except…it’s not. Even as a weeks-old thing, that baby’s personhood is evident. Maybe it was easier to see because I had twins, so I had something to compare with from the start. Alex has literally always been more laid-back than Erin. Megan put her whole self into her wails from her very first wails. Tim was jolly from the get-go.

Our babies are people from birth. They have likes and dislikes and definite opinions on how things should be done. In fact, some mothers can tell you about their kids before they were even born. My sister-in-law was adamantly against thumb-sucking, but when their  second daughter was born with small callouses where she’d been sucking on her hands in the womb–we all knew she was in trouble. She did finally break my niece of her thumb, but it took into kindergarten (maybe longer). Because it was part of my niece from before Day 1.

My kids, your kids, are people right this minute. Today. And if we don’t take that fact into account when we lecture or discipline or plan, we will handicap ourselves before we start. If we don’t manage our expectations with that one boundary, we will cause everyone involved a lot of tears.

2. Parenting is a marathon.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook about her struggles to get her boys to do their chores. The post garnered a lot (A LOT) of responses because every mom has been there at some point.

As I read and commented on her thread, it struck me again. What I’m trying to instill in my kids at this stage isn’t really about this current stage. I’m trying to train them for future stages. I want them to do chores today so they learn hard lessons (like “‘I don’t want to’ isn’t a good excuse not to do things” and “No one here is your maid”) that will serve them into adulthood.

Which makes parenting nothing like the sprint I wish it was. I want to teach my kids to “tell the truth” and then move on to “do your chores” and then move to “always be kind.” And once I’ve covered each concept, I want them to move on immediately. In other words, I still want the instant gratification I chide my kids for living by.

But parenting isn’t a sprint. Not done well, anyway. Whether my kids learn to make their beds isn’t really about their beds. It’s about doing the hard work to develop respect for themselves and their stuff as well as the discipline to do the right thing even when you don’t want to.

Yes, parenting is hard. And it doesn’t take many days of it to figure that out.

What about you? What do you think makes parenting so hard? 

Day 18: Why Timmy Is Awesome

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Because he’s never met a person he can’t be friends with (the other day he hugged around the waist a complete stranger sitting outside our local Amish bulk store – YIKES!)

Today, he wrote his very first story problem: “Mom loves Timmy. How many did she love him?” (I answered 10. He said, “Mom, it’s a story problem.” Apparently there aren’t supposed to be numbers in those.)

Tonight he sat down at the only seat at the dinner table that didn’t have a plate at it and didn’t realize it until Erin pointed it out to him.

This afternoon, we played Uno and did hidden pictures and looked up jokes on the Highlights website. He can even use the mouse by himself.

When Megan got to go with Grandma by herself, he cried loudly. I told him I thought he’d survive. “No,” he sobbed from his car seat, “I don’t think I will survive!”

Because this is how he ate breakfast one day last week:

And then, he had this exchange with one of the teachers today:

She: “Timmy, how old are you?”

Tim: “I’m the number between 3 and 5.”

She: “When is your birthday?”

Tim: “December 29.”

“So,” she said, “your birthday is right after what?”

Tim: Halloween!

 

A Giving Experiment

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I’m trying an experiment. It’s a stretch for me. I hope it stretches our family. It’s about giving.

In these last two months of the year, four of six family birthdays happen. Plus shoebox packing (Operation Christmas Child). Plus Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And three more birthdays for extended family. It’s a busy crazy couple of months, but even though it feels like we “give” all the time, I don’t think we have done a great job really making giving a priority or helping my kids understand what it’s really about and why we need to do it.

SO, I’m trying an experiment. I’m writing an eight-week “curriculum” to walk my family through the importance of giving, the biblical significance of giving, and practical ways to give. I have no idea how it’s going to go, really. I’m not even sure I’ll manage to get all eight weeks totally mapped out. But I have Week 1 pretty much ready to go. So we will just have to dive in and see what happens.

Wish us luck!

(Oh, and here’s an example, in case you wondered…)

Day 2: Giving Selflessly

Big Idea: To give anything, you have to give something else up.

Think about it: Giving always means giving up. You cannot give your dessert to your brother unless you go without. To spend time with you, I have to give up time on my phone or computer. To give someone $25, we can’t also use that money to buy groceries. Continue reading →

He Gave Us TWO

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Today, I was driving as Megan pointed out in excitement that there were TWO blue markers. She was coloring; I was barely paying attention.

“Yep, two. That’s amazing,” I said with a fake enthusiasm.

And then…then it struck me. God could have given us one blue. But no, he gave us TWO. There are two different shades of blue to color with. And of course a thousand more. We have endless blues.

And for the slightest moment, y’all, there was a happiness in my heart. Over blue.

It may sound strange. And it is. But I’m working to regain some wonder in my life, some grace in my perspective on things. I want to be thankful, to see the world and the people and the LIFE all around me and stand in awe. And today, I had the tiniest of break-throughs. A slight little flicker of “happy” over the smallest of graces.

Which got me thinking. Because today is Alex & Erin’s 7th birthday. My twins are seven years old. And I refuse to bemoan it. I can’t…there’s too much WONDER in it.

Because there are TWO. I was expecting one and was blessed with two. Thinking I’d have to choose either/or, I got both/and. Thinking I’d could plan myself into “perfect” parenting, I got knocked on my butt with TWO. TWO tender-hearted, smart and funny, wonderful, getting-so-big crazy delightful little people. God gave us TWO. More than I could have asked for. More than I knew I wanted. More than I ever thought possible. A flicker of happy.

So today, for the color blue and for my fabulous twins, I knew WONDER.

See…even in that…God gave TWO.

So I give Him thanks. He gives me SO much more than I deserve.

 

Days in the Life

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Last week, I had a head cold that wiped out my attention span. I felt fine, for the most part, but couldn’t focus on anything for any length of time. Also, in that week, I had dinner guests on 3 different days and a family birthday party here on Saturday. Good times.

On Saturday, we had Megan’s birthday party. She is five years of crazy fun. Will do another Megan post at some future time, but the gathering went very well. My grandparents came down. Grandma told Pam that she was there with her dad (“That old guy,” she called Grandpa), and she told Grandpa on the drive home that they’d been at a Cathcart reunion all day. Megan got everything she wanted, including an Anna costume, complete with wand and shoes. And she helped me decorate her cake, which wasn’t my best offering, but she loved it. So that was all that mattered.

This week was the Zanesville Kids consignment sale, so I had to prep that, and MOPS, on Monday. We’re still having issues with set up, so I took all 4 from the bus to ZCMA and set up myself (30 min. prep + 1 hour drive). But they had fun, and it went fine. But I am not happy that I have to do the setup myself pretty much all year.

Anyway, Tuesday was MOPS and more prep. I was beat.

Wednesday, we dropped off the consignment stuff and celebrated Megan’s actual birthday. She got a princess backpack on her birthday, and she asked me before bed if she “could go to school tomorrow.” She was deeply saddened when I told her no. Poor kid. Next August is a long time away. 🙂

Today, I cleaned. I cleaned the kitchen, the dining room, swept the floor, picked up all the trash. I did some laundry. I edited. In the afternoon, I washed toys that were dirty and mildewed. I also washed the stroller and two large coolers that were too gross to use. I tidied and made supper and cleaned up supper and Eric did homework with kids. Then baths and prayers and bed. A day in the life for sure.

Other events of note from today. I forgot to make the twins’  lunches this morning. Oops. I remembered at 8:15. Between then and 8:30 when we had to go up to meet the bus, Megan let the puppies (accidentally) into the basement THREE times. Three. Seriously?

Also, tonight, Timmy peed in the potty for the first time. He asked to go when I finished. Would not take no for an answer. Pulled down his pants and asked for me to take off his diaper. I lifted him up and (it took him a minute)…he peed! He was very proud. I made a big deal of it. He got a Starburst for doing it. Of course, I still have no intention of potty training the kid yet. Not.gonna.happen. But hey, if he’s going to demand a chance, I’ll let him try. Oh, the joy…

What Can We Do?

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On the first week of summer (Or was it last Saturday?)

The kids all were moaning and starting to say.

 

To the mom as she worked scrubbing toilets and floor,

“What can we do now? We need something more!”

 

“What can you do?” Said the mother, surprised.

Were the children so soon needing something to try?

 

“How can you be bored? There is much you can do!

Why look all around, the world’s waiting for you!”

 

“There is no room for boredom with the world at your feet.

Let’s look at the choices, ideas, and feats!”

 

“Have you been creative? Have you painted or glued?

Have you danced, changed your pants, drawn a picture all new?”

 

“Have you cut out some pictures? Played a tune? Sung a song?

Have you made up a game where things only go wrong?”

 

“I know!” Mom jumped up. “You could go right outside.

There is room to run races or try new ways to fly.”

 

“Ride bikes all together. Simon Says. Play some tag.

Try jumping or hopscotch, blowing bubbles or flags.”

 

“Have you thrown a ball yet? Swung a bat? Caught a pass?

Have you climbed to the tree top? Played with sand? Made a mess?”

 

“Then again,” said the mom. “Maybe outdoors needs to wait.

But how ’bout adventures of fortune and fate?”

 

“Have you read a good book? Maybe two, maybe three?

Go discover the wonderful worlds left to see!”

 

“Have you driven buses with Pigeon? Helped the Hen bake some bread?

Have you seen the Gruffalo or the Magic Treehouse instead?”

 

“There’s Corduroy, Ramona, and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

There’s Laura Ingalls, Cam Jansen, and of course, Owl Moon.”

 

“There are so many favorites you can read if you choose.

Go adventure with books, and trying writing them, too!”

 

“Or maybe try exercise? It’s a great way to have fun.

Take the dog for a walk or just hop and skip and run and all of your boredom will quickly be done.”

 

“Still not working?” said Mom. “Still can’t figure it out?

Well, there’s one other thing that might just make you shout.”

 

“You can help me! I have chores left to do.

Every one of you is welcome to pick one or two.”

 

“You can dust, sweep the floors, pick up toys, wash the plates.

I have laundry to fold, shoes to pair, beds to make.”

 

“Wait, where are you going?” Mom called as kids ran.

Then she smiled to herself as they made their own plans.

 

So whether it’s summer or just Saturday.

There is always a lot of ways kiddos can play.

 

Simply give them their choices and end up with chores.

And they’ll become busier than ever before.

 

The End.

Winter Wonderings

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So here I am on a cold, snowy afternoon characterized by the unusual reality that I don’t have much pressing for my time right now. I’m between writing jobs. Two of the crazies are at school, the other two are napping. I’m almost caught up on laundry. I should do some house-keeping. But instead, I’m going to recap a few things from the last few…well, from the recent past!

The holidays were busy, but good. I accidentally overbooked myself on writing projects (feast or famine, feast or famine), so that did complicate things. But overall, we had a good time. Lots of family. The kids seemed to enjoy themselves. Eric had his first real break in months and made the most of his 10 days off with work on the new house, hanging with us, and generally relaxing. It was nice. And now we’re working to get back into the swing of things and of normal life again. And that is good, too.

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So…I don’t do rodents. Do.not.do.rodents. Gross! I’m pretty sure my kids will be more than hard-pressed to talk me into even the fluffiest of rodent pets. Just…shudder! Anyway, not surprisingly, we have lots of mice (not pet ones) in the doublewide (in, under, above, throughout…), but more surprisingly, I have not had much trouble with them getting on my counter. Until this winter. Suddenly, there were traces of mice on my counter. Mouse poop…YUCK! Also, he hauled an entire still-wrapped Hershey’s kiss from inside a cup of candy on the far side of the stove back across the stove to the sink area, stripped its wrapper and ate (or disappeared with) the entire piece of candy. Leaving nothing but the wrapper. What kind of mouse does that?!? (By the way the upside of the whole thing is that I’ve actually been cleaning up my kitchen all.the.way before I go to bed at night. I mean, I can’t always control the amount of food crumbs scattered about on the carpets, but if I leave those and clean my counters, maybe the mice will stay on the floor, right?)

Anyway, since I don’t do rodents, Eric is responsible for all mouse traps: baiting, setting, finding, removing with dead things in tow. Seriously, I’ve been known to leave a dead mouse in the trap in the corner for a whole day until Eric is home to take it out. I don’t do rodents. So anyway, Eric remembered, after a few days, to set the trap one night before we went to bed. That night, I woke up to the oddest sound. I could NOT figure out what the kids were doing. Out into the living room at 1 a.m. to realize the sound was coming from the kitchen, not the bedrooms. Realizing what it likely was…I went back to bed. I heard that mousetrap being smacked around more than once that night, and when Eric got up he found a “big guy” of a mouse (Eric’s words), head in the trap, clear on the other side of the kitchen from where the trap had been set. Apparently, it hadn’t snapped his neck when it released, and he flailed around my kitchen floor all night until he ended up by the back door too strangled to move any more or whatever. Eric took him outside to freeze the rest of the way to his demise. And I haven’t had any more signs of mice on my counters since then.

Me: 1, Mouse: dead. Yay!

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In happier news, my sweet little Timmy guy turned 2 just after Christmas. He is just the happiest, fun little guy, and we love him to pieces. I should do a whole post about him, but for the sake of “who-knows-when-I’ll-blog-again” reality, I’ll just give you a quick update here.

  • Timmy hates peanut butter. He will not eat it. Refuses anything with PB on it. Crazy!
  • In the last three weeks, he has suddenly grown a ton. Not necessarily taller as much as he just suddenly looks and acts like a bigger kid instead of a baby. Thankfully, the amount of snuggling has actually gone up with this recent spurt, but he’s quickly becoming a preschooler, instead of my baby-toddler!
  • Also in the last three weeks, Tim’s verbal skills have taken off like a rocket. Suddenly, what had been, until now, mostly grunts and pointing has turned into actual words and syllables and phrases. He says the numbers 1-9 (I didn’t know this). He can do some colors (I didn’t know this). He actually names some people, some toys, and some of his food (I didn’t know he could do that either). I think that, by my birthday, he’ll be predominantly verbal. How fun!!
  • Also, I have to give most of the credit for his new verbal skills to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I really need to start working with him more. 🙂
  • And because, he’s just adorable…here’s my sweet little guy:

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Yesterday, we had a snow day. At one point, Erin tattled that Megan was coloring lipstick on herself with marker (and on her teeth and such). I announced that no one should be drawing on themselves with markers – or others, for that matter. No markers on skin. A few minutes later, I walked out of a bedroom and realized the bathroom door was ajar. I pushed on it to see Alex, on the stool, shirtless, a purple marker in one hand. His other hand was already purple and he was on his way up the arm. He looked up at me, eyes wide. I said, “What are you doing? I just said not to… – wait, are you turning yourself into a purple minion?”  Yes. Yes, he was.

Needless to say, I burst out laughing. If I’d been a few minutes later, he’d have been half-purple before I caught him. He wouldn’t tell me what he’d been planning either. He was truly bummed I wouldn’t let him color himself purple. Thankfully, he doesn’t have access to body paint!

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I’m knitting a hat. First one ever. I might actually finish it before the end of winter! This would be a first for me (finishing a knitting project within the season I started it, I mean)!

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On a less happy note, my grandfather passed away on Tuesday, January 6. He would have been 92 this Saturday. It was a good week, emotional of course, but good. His life was well lived. He loved Jesus. He was getting tired. And he passed easily and painlessly at home. Eric and I drove to Buffalo (5.5 hours each way) in a day to make the calling hours, but getting the chance to say goodbye was worth it (and 10 hours alone in a quiet car with Eric was nice, too!). Of course, we will all miss him. Very, very much. But we are rejoicing that he is finally home.

Actually, though, of all the things that filled 2014 for us, grief had one of the largest places. My uncle and grandfather passed away. Eric lost his grandfather and two great-uncles. The local church we attend lost a couple more older saints. The town’s community was rocked by a hunting death on a Monday. The nearby Amish community lost a bishop most tragically in a farming accident the following day. It has been a hard, hard year. And honestly, I’ll be okay if 2015 is much less sad.

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Looking ahead, our house is coming along. We have a full roof (it took almost 2 weeks after the shingles were complete to have the ridge vent installed, and it rained regularly during that time). We have a furnace. The stone work is finished. The electrical is roughed-in. The insulation is being installed this week, with the dry wall to follow soon. The siding guy was out measuring yesterday. So we are definitely making progress. Of course, the sheer number of details that have to be decided once the walls are done – yikes! But hey, we’ll get it all done, one piece at a time. And then you are all invited to come see it!

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And I think that’s about all that was floating around in my head for right now. I’m sure there’s more. I’m sure I need to start blogging every day or two again. Maybe that will be a good goal to set for 2015 for myself. We shall see, though. We shall see.

Happy Wednesday!

Day 24: The Cast

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Today, the cast came off. The second one, actually. The pink one they put on after the purple one that went on after the splint. Yes. Today, exactly 2 months after the day the arm was broken, the cast came off.

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It was a long wait. It was just a fiberglass covering to protect a healing place, but it was hard on us. She was limited in what she could do for herself (though she found a hundred ways to adjust and live the life she wanted – opening marker lids with her toes is my favorite example). I was limited by what she could do. How she could play. What she could wear. How to put a shirt on. How to take a bath.

In so many ways, this cast defined us for two months. And yet. Today, the x-ray showed a beautiful amount of healing. The doctor was very impressed with the size of the ‘callous,’ the bulge on the bone where it is healing itself. It’s protecting itself, as if it knows Megan’s tendency to push harder, pull longer, and dive head first into mud puddles. A month ago, we could see the slivers of new bone. It was heal-ing. Today, we saw new bone (a new, thick cortex, he called it), nearly healed.

It was balm to the soul for this worn-down momma. We are free!

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Day 17: Timmy

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So I never did an official “Timmy is 18 months old!” post. He’s now 21 months old, almost 22, but hey, better late than never!

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Our Timmy is quite the adventurer. He loves big trucks and equipment. Semis, dump trucks, fire engines, skid steers – he loves them all. Even a pickup truck will bring a squeal of delight as we drive somewhere. I even downloaded some big truck coloring pages for him to color, which were a big hit! But he doesn’t just want to watch the vehicles. He wants to drive them! He loves to get in the driver side of the car or van and push the buttons and steer back and forth. He even tries to put the keys into the steering column. Thankfully, he hasn’t figured that one out yet, but he’s gotten close a couple of times.

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Verbally, Tim’s not particularly motivated to move forward. Apparently, his grunts and vague sounds are enough to communicate so he sees no need to give us actual words and syllables. He does “yeah” while nodding his head. He has a number of words, really, but he won’t say them on cue. And he prefers to use sounds instead of words. Tractors are “beep-beep,” cows are “da boooo.” Large equipment all say “Wee-oh” though that really means fire engine. Monkeys are “ah-ah” and so on and so on. He can, however, tell a whole knock-knock joke with his “timmy-speak” which is kind of entertaining. It goes something like this:

T: Nah-nah.

Us: Who’s there?

T: Da-doh.

Us: Daddy who?

T: Ma-ma!

Um…right. But he’s super cute while he says it, so we laugh every time.

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Speaking of cute, Timmy definitely qualifies. He’s got a smile that will melt your heart, though it’s a good bit ornery, too. His whole face lights up when he’s happy. And his whole self melts into a puddle when he’s sad. He gives giant hugs, and when he wants your attention (okay, my attention), he climbs up behind me, leans around my shoulder and repeats “Mam. Mam. Mam. Mam.” until I finally go “Timmy, WHAT?” Apparently, he’s figured out that being last could make him less noticed…and he’s compensating now. Yay.

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Timmy loves Mo Willems. LOVES anything he writes. He likes to sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” and “Pop Goes the Weasel” (though another recent favorite was Andy Grammar’s “Keep Your Head Up” – go figure). He does the motions for the spider, sometimes. And sometimes, he’ll sing EIEIO during Old MacDonald. Sometimes. If he’s in the mood. And if he doesn’t think too many people are watching. 😉

He really loves his siblings. Erin is, generally, his favorite. They are both social and respond similarly. But he LOVES doing boy-stuff with Alex. If you’re chasing Alex through the house, so is Timmy. Knocking down towers – he’s in. Running in circles or bouncing on couch cushions – Timmy’s right there, too. He’s pretty sure he’s a big kid. Or about to be…at any second.

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Really, Timmy is still jolly and fun. He dances to music, nods along to questions on Mickey Mouse, and asks to watch Curious George all the time. He’s starting to really push his boundaries, so we are definitely into the Terrible Two’s. But we love him to pieces, and we are so very blessed to have that little man in our midst.

Love ya, Tim-Tim!

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