So I don’t normally do politics. And the current climate is enough to make any thought of sharing ideas somewhat concerning. But I need to record my thoughts. You are not obliged to read them or to agree.

First, let me begin with the strange reality that, three weeks from election day, I still am not settled about my vote. I am a firm believer in the need to vote, so simply staying home is not an option. Which leaves me with Bad Choice #1, Bad Choice #2, and Not-Real-Options #3. It’s kind of infuriating, really. But that’s where I am.

On to my observations…

1. I am appalled by the way that both sides have behaved in this election. I doubt it’s really different than usual, but with the immediacy of Facebook and social media, the slams come faster and the sound bites sting unexpectedly like sitting down on a wasp we didn’t realize was there.

The thing is, most of the antagonism has come down to this: “We disagree, therefore I am right and you are stupid.” I have lost count of how many times my intelligence has been insulted (or the intelligence of someone on ‘the other side’) simply because we don’t see things the same way. Y’ALL. I am not stupid. I’m not.

First, no matter who I vote for, I am doing serious amounts of soul-searching and thinking about it. And second, BOTH sides have people who are voting blindly. Neither side has the handle on smart, thinking voters. The left is “appalled” that so many would “mindlessly” support Trump, but they are counting on thousands and thousands of voters who will vote for HRC rather “mindlessly,” too. And vice versa. But bottom line, the issue is NOT stupidity. So please stop with the insults.

2. There has been a great cultural shift over the last many years, requiring us to acknowledge everyone’s experience as unique. And that is good in many ways. But it’s also problematic. Because we have finally come to a place where we aren’t allowed to disagree with each other. There is no longer any room for honest and respectful disagreement. And that is not okay.

I read recently about a lady who’s therapist was really good at “holding space” for her to come to her own conclusions about things. I so very much wish that were true in our culture right now. And, as much as I’d like to say it used to be like that…and maybe it kind of was…in many ways it’s never been like that. There have always been a lot of people who’s ideas were not allowed in, in a lot of arenas — academic, political, business, cultural — simply because they were different.

But differing is not a bad thing. In holding space for each other’s differences, and differences of opinions, like that woman’s therapist, we would actually let people come through on their own. They would see the honest reflection of themselves and the way out, without our help and without our insults.

I’m convinced that I need to work harder to simply hold space for people whose ideas and experiences are different from mine. It really hurts because so far, the FB posts and sound bites have been painful. I think, “You don’t even know me. You’re talking about me, but I’m not anything like what you’re describing!” It’s hard. But I’m trying to hold room for the opinions anyway. It’s respectful. It opens the lines of communication instead of closing them. It means we see each other as valuable and important and REAL people. And it really is okay if, in the final analysis, we disagree.

3. And then, yesterday, I had this moment of clarity. And this may be the most important take-away I have for this entire election. No matter which one I end up voting for.

Because I was trying for all I was worth to wrap my head around it all, and I couldn’t. The reality is, there is no candidate or party in this election that is speaking for me. Not one. And I have no idea what to do with that. All the choices are bad. None of them are who I want or the platform that represents me. Ack!

And then I realized…for how many people in our country is this true of every election? Or even most elections? It’s consuming my thinking because it is so strange to me. I’ve NEVER had this happen before. Someone always speaks for me. And this time, they don’t. But how many of my friends, my neighbors, feel this kind of frustration and alienation every.single.time? For reasons of race or religion or class or economic status or education…for how many people is this the norm? And what can we do about it?

The answer is…I have no freakin’ idea. But I’m incredibly glad for the thought. Not because I’m enjoying the torture that is this election. But because I can actually recognize that everyone should have a voice. And it hurts when you don’t.

SO there you go…some random thoughts on Election 2016. I hope I can figure out what to do, and I hope y’all will give me the grace to fumble through on this one, and hopefully, we’ll find a way to come closer together on the other side of November 8. And no matter who you decide to stand with…please…go vote. It really does matter.

I went to Kohl’s today. Decided I was going to go try on blue jeans until I found a pair that I really liked. I even remembered my Yes2You reward coupon (go, me!). So I took Timmy and I looked at jean racks in every area I could find. He pushed the cart. And I tried on like 10-12 pairs of jeans. And I found some I liked. Really fit well. Bought two pairs and a few other things and headed out. We went grocery shopping and then headed home. And after getting his lunch, I sat down at my computer.

I’d gotten an email. It was “from” the manager of the Zanesville Kohls, thanking me for shopping today and inviting me back again soon. And all I could think was…SERIOUSLY?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like to be appreciated. I’m sure the Kohl’s people are glad I shopped at their store today…it helps their bottom line. But they didn’t notice ME. Their computer saw my number scan at a register which added me to an email list. It wasn’t real. I know it, and they know it. And yet, they have the system in place to send the email.

But why?

Because apparently we are now so desperate for appreciation that we need “the manager” of the store we shopped at to acknowledge us. We apparently need to be thanked for buying ourselves new jeans, to be patted on the head (via email) for going about our day.

And, the truth is, I hear a lot of resentment when we’re not feeling appreciated:

• “Well, I was in there for like 40 minutes, and not one single salesperson even looked at me.”
• “Oh, I don’t go to that church. I never felt accepted…all the women seemed so stuck on themselves.”
• “Don’t shop there. I went there once and spent a lot of money, and no one even acknowledged me.”

We don’t feel appreciated, so we get resentful. And resentful people spend their money elsewhere. And of course, the Kohl’s email probably does work. Probably somewhere, someone got a similar email to this one and it just blessed their socks off. And good for them. I probably need to be easier to bless.

But the thing is, if it had been a true act of appreciation, I would have been blessed. When a friend takes time from her day to speak kindness into mine, to notice me in a positive way, I do feel appreciated. But “appreciation” can never really come from a mass email. I mean, would I really not shop at Kohl’s again because no one acknowledged my time in their store today?

I guess the thing just seemed so strange, I needed to vent about it (and what else is blogging about, right?). Still, I think we can take away 2 things.

1. In our world, there are a LOT of people feeling unappreciated right now. People on both sides of a LOT of lines. Political lines. Racial lines. Denominational lines. We’re divided, and we feel unnoticed. And we’re resentful. Let’s practice true appreciation. Let’s be the people who say thanks, take notice, give praise, and build up.
2. And two, let’s recognize that where I shop and whether someone notices me or not (even someone close to me) is not really a mark of my worth. Let’s just delete silly emails from stores and websites designed to make me “feel good.” Let’s call resentment what it is and choose to let it go. Let’s give people more credit that they really weren’t out to put us down or ignore us. And let’s trust in the fact that our value is far greater than a store’s email can express.

Yes, it feels good to be appreciated, and we need it. But false appreciation actually makes us feel worse. So let’s make true appreciation a mark of our lives. No matter where we buy our blue jeans.

I don’t know your name yet. Or maybe I do, and I’m still unaware of it. But I’m waiting for you.

You, my friend.

It’s been a long time of just circling, waiting, sometimes (mostly) less than patiently, for you to arrive. My next real friend. I had to move, you see, to set my family up for a new, bigger dream. But it meant leaving people behind. And while they still love me, I know they do, things changed.

And I’m lonely. I’ve been lonely for a long, long time. And I’m tired. Of wishing someone would call and ask how I am.  Of having no one to tell stuff that I’m thinking about. Of crying alone. Of missing out on the laughter inside me that I need someone else to help draw out of me.

See, you’ll find out soon enough that I’m too serious. I take every too seriously. And I’m funny. I really am. But I hide it. And hide behind it. So I’m waiting for someone who won’t be afraid of my intensity and my brash humor. And I’m waiting for someone to discover that I don’t do lots of people. I do just a few, really well.

But I’m lonely. I have no one, really, right now who’s in the “few, but deep” category. Eric is great. I wouldn’t have survived without him. But he’s not all there is. I know this. And so I’m waiting. For you.

I don’t know your name, but I hope God crosses our paths soon. I hope you see past my tendency to hide behind doing and see how much I need someone to BE with again. I hope you hear God nudge you towards me, or when He nudges me towards you, and you answer.

Because today, I need a friend. And I can’t wait to meet you.

So the drywall company tried to deliver the drywall yesterday. They drove all the way here from Columbus, a “2 1/2 hour drive” they said (though I happened to see McKinley Ave. on the truck, and I can tell you for certain that it does not take 2 1/2 hours to drive to my house from McKinley Ave. But whatever.)

Anyhoo, they got here and decided they could not drive their truck down our driveway. Could.not.do.it. Our drive was a “sheet of ice” (it isn’t). Their truck is really heavy (that was true, they had like 200 sheets of drywall on it!). They couldn’t drive over the boards covering the electrical wire (it’s currently frozen into the ground…nothing there is moving!). Oh no, they were sure they couldn’t do it.

Sigh.

So, here I was, at home alone with all 4 crazies, at lunchtime, with two city-driver delivery guys who can’t get their job done. Really?!? So…short-version…I finally drove over to find Alan (my farmer brother-in-law), interrupted his chat with his nutritionist, and begged him to come help my with our minor crisis. He graciously did so, bringing over a load of cinders to shake over the driveway and staying to help direct the truck so that the driver could feel “safe” enough to back the truck in. He also brought my van down to me after the driver got in place because the delivery guys had decided to TRY to get down the drive while I was over at the farm, effectively blocking the only way to my house with me on the wrong side of them. SO, I parked the van at the top of the lane and walked down to the house.

Honestly, by the time it was done, I mostly felt pity for the two guys (down from frustration, so that’s good, right?). And they did get all the drywall inside. Which is great because the installers are here RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE!!!! We may actually be able to turn on the furnace by the end of next week and get the finishing work started inside. WooHoo!!

But seriously, that delivery was the most complicated of any that’s come so far. And we’ve had a few so far. Sheesh.

Anyway, all around that whole fiasco, I was managing children, making supper and trying to act like I was a little in charge of the day. I had to run to Wal Mart last night because the twins were supposed to have white t-shirts to school by Monday (we don’t have school on Monday), so I needed to have them for today. I kept checking the delay notices, and nothing appeared. And of course, this morning, we were closed. Well, at least I already have the t-shirts now! And I did get to Wal Mart, without kids even, and had a few minutes to myself.

Which is a good thing because THIS morning was also crazy.

The bigs were up 4 times in the night (once for each twin and twice for Meg), between 1 and 5:30. I had to be up at 6 because Alex and Erin were scheduled for eye exams at 8:00 and 8:30 in Zanesville (a good 30 minute drive in good weather). The original plan was to get them there and back, while missing the bare minimum of school time. Though of course, school was cancelled.

Okay, so that makes the morning simpler, right? I mean, now I could get just the two into the van without all their school stuff. So yay for that! But it was snowy. And cold. And no one was moving fast at 7:30 this morning. And I realized as I was leaving that I never filled out their paperwork. Nor could I find the printout with my insurance information. And I knew the roads were going to be awful. And we were already late.

And…there might have been a minor meltdown.

But I couldn’t help being late. The roads weren’t going to be great, but I CAN drive on snow (unlike the delivery guys yesterday :-P). It would’ve been more hassle to cancel the twins’ appointments than to just go. And all things considered, we were still doing fine. This was the pep talk I was giving myself as we headed out. This was the prayer/find-a-better-perspective attempt I made. And it helped.

The roads were not good. But I had clear pavement when I needed to brake quickly to make sure the deer standing on the side of the road ran away from me and not toward me. The curves were not fun and the blowing/drifting snow was less so. But we made it. In one piece. A little late. But no worse for the wear.

It wasn’t perfect. It was messy. But life pretty much is messy. At least mine is. And at almost-38, I’m finally learning to let go of the drive for perfect and allow for, even accept, the messy. I’m not a failure when we’re late on a snowy, bad-roads day. I braved the roads and my fears and actually arrived to the destination only a little behind schedule. This is a success, Woman! Treat it as one!!

Anyway, the exams went great. They are right where they should be; no need for glasses. We got home just fine, right one time. Eric headed for work as soon as we returned. And all of us feel like it should already be 4:00 or 5:00 because the day started so early and so full-bore.

But God is good. He shows up. And I’m learning to let Him. Even on Fridays.