Author Archives: Shannah

Black and White

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I wish the world was black and white. I really love absolutes. They make things so much simpler, you know?

But over my (not quite) 40 years, I’ve repeatedly banged up against the reality that life is, in fact, not black and white. Problems are complex and require complicated, multi-faceted solutions. People are complex and need to be seen and respected as whole persons, more than merely one idea or one diagnosis or one caricature. Ideas that seem simple turn out to be deeply layered with connections to a thousand other ideas, all of which need to be acknowledged. Very, very little is actually black and white.

As much as we want to reduce our family, today’s events, or deep theological ideas down to “what I want them to mean or be,” we can’t. The world is bigger than we understand. People have to be allowed to be whole, even when we don’t understand them or don’t agree with them. Ideas cannot be boiled down to one side (or the other) and call it good.

Someone argued a week ago that any musician who played for the inauguration was complicit in EVERY action, idea or effect that Mr. Trump has had or done or ever would have or do. And it’s simply not true. I am not complicit in the behavior and beliefs of every single person I ever choose to be seen with in public or work for in a job or choose not to openly disagree with. Neither are you.

I may have to stop hanging out with someone or quit a certain job because of someone else’s stance. I may have to separate myself sometimes. But we should also be able to be be seen with someone without being accused of automatically agreeing with them on every single point. It is possible to sit in a church and not agree with every single point of doctrine as that denomination or the person in the pew next to me. Even worse, the word complicit indicates a deceptive, conniving duplicity that we must be VERY careful about applying to others, especially an “other” who disagrees with you.

Or then there was the article I read about how the liberals are all running crazy, trying to keep up with Mr. Trump’s pace. Which I followed with an article about how the right was on the defensive and all the protests were working. Exactly the same events, two completely different narratives. No blending, no trying to see the other side. Everything filtered into a single “This fits the way I want to see it” narrative.

Then there’s the #deleteuber tag that started flying after the Uber drivers did not join the taxi drivers’ hour-long strike at JFK over President Trump’s refugee order. The outrage was everywhere. People were deleting Uber, declaring they would only ever use Lyft. And on and on. And then this morning, I read that supporting Lyft might mean you are actually supporting Trump (indirectly) because one of the financial supporters of Lyft is also a Trump supporter. The black and white protest turned out to have, potentially, the opposite effect that was intended.

And that’s just it. People, ideas, decisions are connected in such deep, and often unseen ways, that we cannot trace every result, no matter how much we want to. And while we should all be careful to examine the ideas and people and solutions that we choose to be party to, there are indirect consequences to every word and idea and decision. And black-and-white demands those be controlled, too.

The Black-And-Whiters on both sides demand the world match their perspective of it. Their way is right. Any other way is snubbed. Their logic makes perfect sense; others’ words are twisted. Their values matter; anyone else’s values are laughable.

In this perspective, I am responsible to make everyone happy. And if I don’t make someone happy, they might get me fired, or make sure I never work again, or #delete me. If someone disagrees with me, or I don’t toe some line on every.single.point, then I am, by a Black-And-White mentality, barely human and certainly not a Christian.

But the world is NOT black and white. It hasn’t been for a very long time. And I have spent my life trying to UN-learn the perfectionistic, control-freak tendencies that tell me that if I don’t control every single thing I do, every outcome of every thing I do, and every person’s reaction to every thing I do, then I am a failure. I am not. Neither are you.

Even worse, if we can’t get a grip, we are going to crack. People are having near-conniption fits on Facebook. We are living in a land where the “slippery slope” is the regular battle cry. (i.e., “OMG! If ______ happens today, we are GOING to have (fill-in-the-blank) before the end of the week!!!) This isn’t healthy or productive.

We have to back it down. We need rational, coherent, effective dialogue. Because Black and White is not how the world works the vast majority of the time, and that’s okay. But the rhetoric, the battle cries, the personal attacks, the social media blackmail. Those are NOT okay. Ever.

We need to calm down and talk to each other. Speak kindly to everyone, no matter where they stand on an issue. Heavens, maybe we’ll find we agree with each other more than we think we do. And even when we must stand apart, defending something we value, we can remember that the world is not black and white. And it doesn’t have to be.

In fact, by putting all the ideas on the table and letting our differences HELP us, we can actually come out of this crazy time with greater unity, better solutions, and more people engaged and sitting at the table. Instead of black-and-white, we rediscover the proverbial melting pot. And we might actually find it a really great place to be.

Perspective

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Things that are on my mind today…

  • The health needs of a pastor friend and a young man in our school district
  • That those in power don’t seem to see that wisdom always wants MORE input, never less
  • That people believe it’s okay to destroy someone else’s career, income, or reputation simply because they disagree
  • That Friday is the 100 Days of School celebration, and I haven’t even asked Meg what collection of 100 things she wants to take in
  • That my kids’ sense of entitlement is largely encouraged by my own lack of gratitude
  • The level of over-reaction to everything right now means no one will believe it when something actually horrible happens
  • That it’s really hard to let a child earn a new something when I really could just buy it

Things that help me remember that we’ll make it…

  • Among all of the discourse of the weekend I had a great, hard interaction with a friend from college whom I haven’t “debated” with for a long time
  • My kids enjoyed playing with each other on their 2-hour delay this morning
  • My bible study ladies actually enjoy coming together for bible study (which he had to postpone because of said 2-hour delay)
  • Lots of people are engaging with each other and with their communities…even if we need to work on “how” we do it
  • That Jesus is our final hope, no matter what my day, my world, my health, my friends, my president, my country, or my world is doing
  • There is still a lot of laughter going on
  • Denzel Washington won a SAG award for Fences

 

They are EIGHT

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Can you believe it? These two little wrinkly peanuts…

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…now look like THIS.

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And what amazing little people they are becoming.

Alexander is a learner and thinker. If he’s interested in something, he becomes a veritable encyclopedia about it, and whatever he learns, he shares in crazy detail with whoever will listen. He is also quite a collector; he’s got a “village” in his bedroom for the family of stuffed dogs he’s been given (or managed to talk his siblings into letting him have). But Scruffy Puppy is still the favorite, no question.

Our Alex loves to laugh. He loves jokes. And he’s super creative. He draws all the time, and he writes books and stories. He’s even started to brainstorm a video game he’d like to create someday. And he enjoys the outdoors. He loves to go to the barn when Daddy does the cows’ foot baths. He loves the trampoline and wandering down at the creek. And because he’s in Cub Scouts this year, he went fishing, camping, and shot a bow and arrow–all for the first time.

Erin Elizabeth is turning into a special lady, herself. She is a helper and order-keeper. She likes to know what to do and the “right” way to get it done. She’s a voracious reader and a natural teacher (both Megan and Timmy have had “lessons”) and she loves to learn new things. She always says she likes lunch and recess best, but school is an easy fit for my smart and capable girl.

Erin loves sparkly, pretty things. She is a born night-owl. She has a collection of stuffed bunnies (still ruled over by Jingle Bunny, of course). She loves to jump on the trampoline and play with friends, In fact, the measure of a good time is always whether a friend was there to do it with her. And she is a great, great friend. She’s considerate of others, always wants to help, and no one is better at thinking of others than my Erin-girl.

Being twins, they still have to share a lot (like birthdays). But every year, they’re growing up into special individuals. They have faced many new challenges this year; they are learning to deal with more difficult things. But each one is a natural support and encourager for the other. They protect each other. They rarely fight. And I am thrilled to see them connect with Jesus more, also in their own special way. Alex was deeply touched by the concept of a “peacemaker” in Sunday School, and Erin loves to read the Bible on her own more and more.

These two little people rocked my world 8 years ago today. They are unique individuals and a powerful team, but they are and will always be wonderful gifts to our family.

Happy Birthday, Alex and Erin. 🙂

Trenches

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The other day, I posted this picture on my Facebook page:

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The twins were 22 months, and Megan was barely a week old. And what a sweet picture, right? But after my initial “Oh, they were so cute,” an odd sensation balled itself up in my chest.

Looking at that picture, I suddenly FELT the exhaustion of those days. As adorable as those three were, those days were just plain hard. The never-ending needs, the constant attention they required, the mental fatigue, the lack of sleep. That time of parenting we called being “in the trenches.” It is so.very.hard.

And just this summer, I realized that my family is finally coming out of the trenches. My kids’ needs are rarely immediate. The twins can make a basic PB&J or get a drink of water for themselves if needed. Everyone is potty-trained. I sleep all night more often than I don’t.

We are moving on. And I’m grateful for it. Man, am I grateful for it. But I’m also grateful that I still remember. That this picture was enough to remind me. I’m not so far away that I’ve forgotten just how hard the trenches are.

And I was even more grateful because, shortly after seeing this picture, I had a meeting with a young mom who works at the kids’ school. We were chatting about our families, and she said her oldest turned 4 in August and her younger daughter is 18 months.

As she said it, this picture popped into my head, and I said, “Wow…so you’re totally in the trenches.”

She stopped, turned to me, eyes wide. There was a tiny pause, and she said, “Yes, that is exactly what it’s like. That’s, that’s, just the perfect way to say it.” And then she told me about picking up her kids from daycare and how it had been hectic and disorganized and she was holding the baby and trying to find sippy cups and blankies and it was just…hard.

She said how her younger daughter had ear infections for months until finally tubes, but then she’d had another rough patch where, in the middle of the night, all she wanted was her mom. And of course, she still had work and daycare drop off and pick up and dinner and clearing and life.

“Yes, the trenches. Definitely the trenches,” I said, as compassionately as I knew how.

And I know, oh how I know, that she is not the only one.

So to the moms who are, today, in the trenches…let me say this: You are such a good mom. You are doing a great job. Whether working in your house or outside it. Whether you are following all the conflicting “expert” advice on everything. Whether you have social media sites convinced you’ve got it all under control…to you, mom…it really is as hard as it feels. The trenches are no joke.

And while you’re in those trenches, you don’t have to love every minute. Some day, I promise, you will look up and realize you made it out of them. But for today, just know that we moms, we get it. We understand it. We see you. Even in the hardness of it all, you are doing a great, great thing.

Keep up the good work.

In a Funk

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This morning, I woke up in a funk.

I was tired from a busy Tuesday. I was tired from the drama and discourse of the last week. I was grumpy and really wanted everyone to just leave me alone. (So of course, they needed me even when I was going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. *eye roll*)

To be honest, I milked the feeling for a while. It felt good. I am tired. And it’s been a long week. And Tuesdays always leave me drained. But I also know it’s not good for me to hang there for too long.

So instead of sulking and claiming my right to a tired funk…

I called my mom.

I talked to my kids.

I started to watch and read stuff on Facebook, but that just sent me backwards. So I made myself close that tab and shift my focus again…

I changed the sheets on my bed.

I started a load of laundry.

I folded my girls’ clean clothes.

I played pretend with Tim.

I painted (and let Timmy paint, too) and then took a silly video of Timmy.

I called my Grandpa who’s in a rehab place recovering from open heart surgery. (He’s still having trouble getting good full breaths, so I talked most of the time. I know, I’m a giver. But he was really glad I called.)

I started another batch of apple butter.

I snuggled with Timmy and watched some cartoons.

And now, here it is, just after lunch…and my funk is mostly gone. It does me good to think about someone other than myself. How about you?

PS – There’s a woodpecker on the trees outside my window. They are really interesting birds to watch. I should get myself a pair of binoculars.

Start Where You Are

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So there are now way too many reports of people being harassed, assaulted, demeaned, threatened by “Trump supporters.” And from one side, I’m hearing a lot of “This is all your fault” and “You’d better fix this” to the other side.

So, let’s get this (I would have thought) obvious point out of the way.

All of that stuff is NOT OKAY. It’s illegal, unfair, demeaning, immature, and unacceptable. The children in grown-ups’ bodies who’ve been behaving this way must stop. They must be stopped. They must be arrested, convicted, fined, whatever can be done. The little children who are doing and saying such things must be taken aside and dealt with. Preferably as a teachable moment, but with whatever punishments are appropriate and in place for these situations.

Are we clear? This is NOT OKAY. It wasn’t okay a week ago. It’s not okay today. And it won’t be okay on January 21 when Trump officially takes office. You cannot DO those things and get away with it. So STOP IT.

But just saying this on a blog post doesn’t really mean so much. Because I can’t DO anything about them. I’ve read the stories. And they are heartbreaking. I’m upset. But…I don’t know anyone who’s had it happen to them (that I’m aware of). I haven’t done it. No one I know has done it. I haven’t seen any of it. It’s all over Facebook. But it’s not where I am.

Now, I assure you, if I do see it, I won’t let it go. Absolutely NO ONE should be treated like this. EVER. And while I generally refuse to do empty gestures (I never wear pink in October, for example), I may actually put a safety pin on my purse or jacket. I really like using something so small to say, I’m a safe place. I will walk with you. I will protect you, help you, be there for you. THAT is a good idea.

But I still come back to this. Where I am, I don’t see much of it. I can’t DO much about it. So instead, I did something else.

Here’s what I did do this week:

I talked with people. With MY people. I’m sharing the articles and the stories people are posting. I want to facilitate discussion, get out of the echo chambers, and really engage with the other side. That’s what I’m doing where I am.

And I reached out to the “others” in my life. People who voted differently than me. Who think differently. Who maybe are afraid right now. I told them how much I appreciate them. I made a point of not letting silence fall between us. And I had wonderful, helpful dialogue. I learned new things That’s what I’m doing right where I am.

Then today, I was scheduled to teach children’s church. So we talked about kind words. Proverbs 16:24. Ephesians 4:32. We talked about what they do for the people who hear them. And why the Bible tells us to use them. And we listed practical, kind things we can say. And we remembered that it isn’t always easy to be kind, but we have to do it anyway. In a week where the adults seemed to have forgotten this basic principle, we covered it again with these 13 kids. Because that’s what I could do where I am.

And you can do these things…where you are. You can reach out. To your people. To your “others.” You can speak truth…IN LOVE. You can be kind. Of course, PLEASE, stop the bullying and harassment if you see it. And if you don’t see it, don’t pretend it isn’t there. Pray over it. Ask someone over for dinner. Send a message. DO WHAT YOU CAN…WHERE YOU ARE.

And if everyone did that, no matter who they voted for, we would all find ourselves in a much better, safer, and more unified place.

Things I want to Remember after this Election

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This was posted halfway down the comment section of a “Why We Grieve” article. I think a lot of young, liberal-leaning folks would agree with it, but I’d never seen anyone actually SAY it out loud. (And it’s as problematic as all the horrible, racist, offensive stuff being said and done by the right. IMO)

You think territory is America?? America is people, and Hillary won the popular vote. Don’t fool yourself into thinking “America” elected Trump. Scared, middle-class, middle-aged white people from the country who only think about themselves (no good samaritans in that crowd) elected Trump. You are the past of this nation, we, the young, the urban, the allies, the queers, the colored, the immigrants, the educated, the progressive, the environmentalists and scientists and artists and intellectuals and engineers, WE are the future. This is not your country. It’s OUR country. Learn to act like loving human beings and we’re happy to have you along. Otherwise enjoy your last hurrah, and then get out of our way, because we are so over your small town backwards-thinking crap.

 

This article. THIS is what I spent 7 years trying to teach in my composition classes. About how listening is fundamental to good arguing. And the power of language. And logical fallacies. And why, honestly, too many times the “Christian” view is dismissed out of hand.

 

And why I love Mike Rowe.

So What Do We DO?

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The election is over (finally!). The results are in. And America is now looking around at the debris (to some, the holocaust) and wondering … what’s next?

I, for one, am shocked and (tbh) pleased. I have been a #neverHillary for 20 years, long before hashtags were even a thing. But I honestly didn’t think she could be beaten. And yet, somehow, she was. So today, my first emotion is relief.

And my next emotion is uncertainty. I did not vote for Trump, and I really didn’t want Hillary. (I voted for McMullin because it became most important to me that I respect the person I asked to lead us.) But Trump is in. And I have absolutely NO idea what that means. Will he rise to the occasion? Will he show a maturity that we’ve only seen glimpses of? Will he inspire the hatred and vitriol he’s accused of pandering in? I just don’t know. Trump is…all of this is…a whole new ball of wax.

And as we move forward, life will continue. Pundits will talk. Trump will take Obama’s place in January.  Life will move on. But the important question is…what about the rest of us? How do we proceed? What will the next day, month, year look like? For us? Individually and as a country?

For me, it’s this. I hope it looks an awful lot like this (skip to the 4th paragraph from the end if you don’t want to read it all):

NOTHING WORKS BETTER (James MacDonald/Walk in the Word email 11/9/16)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves (Philippians 2:3, NASB).

Are you having a tough day today? Been a little down in the dumps lately?

There’s a way to fix that—but not by “working on it.” The way to increase your joy again starts by doing “nothing from selfishness.” … Selfishness leads to every sin, and every sin invariably leads to discouragement, disappointment, disillusionment, and eventually to misery. Never to joy. … if you truly want to capture the joy that’s been so deftly escaping you lately, you must “do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit.” Nothing. Nothing from “rivalry,” as one translation says (HCSB), or from “selfish ambition,” as another puts it (ESV). Nothing.

This includes anything you do, whether intentionally or reflexively, to promote yourself and impress other people in hopes of getting them to see how great you are, how cool you seem, or how many good ideas you come up with. “Do nothing” to make sure your contributions at work or church or even just around the house are sufficiently admired and appreciated. “Nothing” to seek acknowledgement for yourself out of fear your talents will never be noticed if you don’t somehow point them out to people. “Nothing” to manufacture your own acceptance, promotion, popularity, affirmation, or happiness.

God’s Word would teach us that this grasping after self-promotion leads only to misery. But you can break out of this type of misery—you can choose to live in joy—right now, today, by doing “nothing from selfishness or empty conceit.” Choose instead to live in “humility of mind” by regarding other people as “more important than yourselves.” …

So instead of seeing people as a frustrating waste of your time, consider their need for being heard right now to be of more importance than what you’d otherwise be doing. Instead of making demands and asserting your rights, consider that what others need for doing their job or improving their skills takes precedence right now over whatever you were hoping to do for yourself. “Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4 ESV).

You can’t be forced to live this way. You have to choose it, and most people don’t. So you and they can just keep sitting there under that oak tree, shaking your branches and trying to stand apart from the rest and from each other. But you will never live with joy if you continue to stay rooted and planted in selfishness.

Choose self, and choose misery.

But choose humility—choose others—and expect the leaves to start falling off that tree of sin and discouragement.

A Giving Experiment

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I’m trying an experiment. It’s a stretch for me. I hope it stretches our family. It’s about giving.

In these last two months of the year, four of six family birthdays happen. Plus shoebox packing (Operation Christmas Child). Plus Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And three more birthdays for extended family. It’s a busy crazy couple of months, but even though it feels like we “give” all the time, I don’t think we have done a great job really making giving a priority or helping my kids understand what it’s really about and why we need to do it.

SO, I’m trying an experiment. I’m writing an eight-week “curriculum” to walk my family through the importance of giving, the biblical significance of giving, and practical ways to give. I have no idea how it’s going to go, really. I’m not even sure I’ll manage to get all eight weeks totally mapped out. But I have Week 1 pretty much ready to go. So we will just have to dive in and see what happens.

Wish us luck!

(Oh, and here’s an example, in case you wondered…)

Day 2: Giving Selflessly

Big Idea: To give anything, you have to give something else up.

Think about it: Giving always means giving up. You cannot give your dessert to your brother unless you go without. To spend time with you, I have to give up time on my phone or computer. To give someone $25, we can’t also use that money to buy groceries. Continue reading →

The Things They Do

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From the bathroom stall where Timmy is taking care of business: “Come out, come out wherever you are!”

___________

Last night, Eric walked into the house and suddenly stopped, bent at the waist and examined the wall. “Um…who drew a smiley face on the wall?” Three chorused with “Not me, I didn’t.” And one younger daughter looked guiltily at her daddy with a half-grin on her face. (She had to clean the wall off.)

__________

Later, I glance at my feet in the girls’ room to see an orange X on the carpet. “Um, who did this?” Older daughter looks guiltily at me.

“Really? Ladies, when you were little itty bitty, we had this conversation. Perhaps you remember it? Where are you allowed to draw?”

“On paper.”

“Where?”

“On paper.”

“So not walls? How about carpets? What about on Timmy? No? Okay, then please keep the drawings off of my house and non-paper things. Okay?”

__________

Alex: In my folder, there is a permission slip for doing wrestling.

Me: Yes?

Alex: I’m not going to do wrestling.

Me: (grinning to myself) That’s fine.

__________

This morning, breakfast has been eaten. Timmy asked for a second bowl of Lucky Charms. I pour him one. When I come back, he is finishing said bowl and Megan is sitting in front of a foot-wide pile of Lucky Charms…which is mysteriously lacking marshmallows. I think she thought I wouldn’t notice.