Author Archives: Shannah

Life Right Now

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Life Right Now, contentment, engage

The Crappy Old Doublewide

When we moved out of Columbus, we lived in a crappy old doublewide. It was a tight squeeze with 4 kids under 4. It was lonely to be in a new place and have Eric drive into Columbus every day for work. We had wanted to build, but we took a hit on the sale of our house (a BIG hit). So we waited. And it was hard.

I kept reminding myself, all though that season, that if I couldn’t be happy or content in that crappy little doublewide, I was not going to be happy or content in a new house we built next door. I had to keep living my life as it was right then. And if I didn’t, I really couldn’t expect to suddenly develop new ways of thinking in behaving in a big, brand-new house.

I found myself in that place again this week. I keep telling myself that I will be able to write better when Tim goes to school. And, let’s be honest, I will.

Or maybe not.

If I’m not fighting the distractions and disciplining myself and making time to write with life as it is right now, what makes me think I’ll suddenly start doing all those things when all my kids are in school.

It’s really not likely. And if I’m not careful, I’ll miss these lovely last few months with Timmy all to myself. In a few months, it’ll be summer. And then all four will disappear into that big brick school and I will find myself in a brand-new stage. It’ll be a good stage, for all of us. But I don’t want to waste life as it is right now, wishing for the next stage to come. And putting all my hope on “that moment” to make all my writing and blogging dreams come true.

It’s really hard not to do that, though. Maybe you have struggled with this, too, at some point. (Please, tell me I’m not the only one!)

So what can we do?

1. Engage our minds. We all have set mental patterns that undermine our ability to take the present moment as a gift.

  • When I have more money…
  • When my husband starts/stops/does/doesn’t…
  • When my kids are older…
  • When I have kids…
  • When I get a better/different job or boss…

Those thoughts–whatever they sound like in your head–are torpedoes that destroy our ability to live life as it is right now. We have to pay attention to them, root them out, and face the hard battle of struggling through what isn’t great about our life as it is right now, if we want to embrace what we have been given today.

2. Engage our faith. Our feelings are not very good anchors for our lives and decisions. They change too fast. They have a purpose, and we ignore them to our detriment, but they aren’t a good foundation. But faith is not like feelings. Faith is a settled assurance of Who God is, Who I am as a result, and how the world works when we wait for Him to live with and through us. We have to go back to the Truth, compare our thoughts and feelings and attitudes to what the Bible says, and do the hard work to bend ourselves to match His thoughts. That means knowing what the Bible says, and choosing to believe its truth. It isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary part of living life as it is right now.

3. Engage your life. You have a life, right now, that is worth more than you think. It’s easy to look at the busyness, the difficulties, the challenges our family members face (or bring with them) and wish to just lose ourselves in…anything else. But your life, as it is right now, can be a good and beautiful place. Your kids. Your spouse. Your job. Your time. Your church. Do the hard work of engaging with the people and places where you are, and you will begin to find joy sneaking in around the edges. And eventually, you find the life you have is exactly the life you want.

life right now, engage, contentment

I don’t know what you’re waiting for, but I can promise that your life–as it is right now–is a gift. Claim it. Engage it. Enjoy it.

Talk to me: What do you catch yourself wishing was different about your life? What would it look like for you to live your life as it is right now? 

Day 31: Why I Hate Halloween

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It’s not the candy. It’s not the creepy decorations (though I absolutely abhor the fake hand “planted” in someone’s flower bed…yuck!). It’s not the spider webs or the zombies or piles of chocolate–because yum!

It’s the costumes.

Seriously, very little in all of motherhood terrifies me like the thought of putting 4 kids with opinions into costumes for trick-or-treat. I mean, when they were little, it was easy. Give my mother-in-law a pattern and an idea and wait a month. Voila! Cute kids in adorable costumes.

Now, though, they care. They have ideas. And I don’t have the creativity, much less skills, to pull off what they have in mind. Last year, I actually tried. I worked all day on a costume someone said they wanted…only to have them turn up their nose after school which left me rushing around trying to help them throw together some other costume. It was frustrating and not.at.all.fun.

And I just want it to be fun. I remember pulling together random costumes from stuff in our house and for one day, just having fun dressing up. Maybe my mom remembers it differently, I don’t know. But the expense and expectations of Halloween costumes is just more than I can handle.

So this year, I sent my kids straight to my MIL. Except for Tim, whose costume I found at a kids consignment sale, they all worked with her. She took their ideas and, I’m telling you, they turned out so much better than I could have done. To top it off, Eric actually stepped up on the final details. He did the attaching and gluing and wiring pieces together. And they all worked (which is totally not what happens when I do it!)

So tonight, all I have to do is put my kids in said costumes, take some pics, and bundle up to enjoy watching them trick-or-treat. And for the first time in a handful of years, I’m actually looking forward to it.

Happy Halloween!

Day 30: Why I’m Giving Up

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Y’all. I have started this post at least four times today. I have gotten less than a paragraph on three different topics. And then school ended, and supper had to be made, and Timmy barfed and fell asleep on the couch, and Megan had her first every gymnastics class (which she loved), and Eric was finishing details of halloween costumes when we got home, and I loaded the dishwasher, and then we did prayers and bedtime story and final kisses and all. And I just remembered that I did not finish anything that looked like a meaningful post for today.

So I’m not going to try to finish any of the “great thoughts” that I started today. I’m giving up and will try again tomorrow. And that’s okay.

Some days are like that. There’s enough for what gets done and not a single solitary bit of extra. The big, necessary things get done and nothing else.

I will be back tomorrow for a final Write 31 Days post. I have not missed a single day, y’all. And I’m proud of myself for making this a priority. It was fun. It was a good challenge. It was reassuring to know I had lots of things to tell you about. It was encouraging to know you liked to read what I wrote.

But tonight, I’m going to give up on the grand scheme I had earlier in the day, give myself the grace to go small for once, and just go to bed.

 

 

Day 29: Why It’s Not As Easy As It Sounds

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pdpics.com

I don’t know what your “it” is. For me, it’s writing. Not just sitting down at my computer and intending to write. Actually writing. Not getting lost on Facebook or YouTube. Not getting interrupted by my kids. But putting words on digital paper until something coherent begins to take shape.

It sounds so easy to say I’m a writer. But actually writing. That’s not as easy as it sounds.

Why is that?

It’s not a priority for me. For sure, my desire to write is a priority. I really want to do this. But the moving it from my desire into reality hasn’t been important enough to really do. So I don’t schedule the time. I don’t make the time. I let it get lost in the ebb and flow of a regular day, and when I’m done, it’s still a pipe dream of an idea I had once about myself.

It’s not a priority for my family. Yes, they’d love to see me write and publish. But my kids don’t see how sitting at my computer is work. And since they’re going to interrupt me in another 45 seconds, I don’t start working. So when they come in, I’m back on Facebook. So they don’t think my computer means work. And on the cycle goes. But if I want this hard thing to happen, I need them to make this a priority for me, too.

I don’t set goals well. I recently watched someone working on a project, and I realized that they had not planned anything about it beforehand. They are kind of taking it on the fly, addressing problems as they arise, and it blew me away. How did they think they were going to manage this project successfully without a plan?!?

And then I realized what I was saying. And how I’m pretty much wishing things would happen, but not really planning either. I’m hoping to create something big and meaningful and creative and purposeful. But I don’t have a plan either. I am going to have to start making goals. Big ones, sure. But little ones, too. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of floating, instead of living. And I’m going to have to start swimming again if I want to see things change.

I’m sure there are more reasons. I know there are more reasons. But those are the big ones. And maybe they sound familiar.

Whatever your “it” is, I hope you know that you’re not alone. It’s not as easy as it sounds. And there are a lot of us out here, wishing instead of planning and prioritizing. But I bet, with some encouragement, we can do it.

So what is your “it”? What do you talk about that isn’t as easy to do in real life? What holds you back from seeing that happen? 

Day 28: Why I’m Changing Things Up

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I’m making some changes to my blog that, hopefully, will go live in the next couple of weeks. I’m changing my domain name, as well as the look and feel of the site. To be honest, I’m already in way over my head. And I’m super grateful that my husband has more of a clue than I do with all this background stuff.

But I’m doing all of this for a few reasons…

1. I want to grow my blog into something a bit bigger and more useful than it is now. I’m no longer just recording my kids’ development (and to be honest, they’re getting big enough that they won’t like me putting stories about them out there much longer). So I’m going to invest some time and energy to discover what I have to offer and see if I can create a place where you all can come and be encourage and equipped to do your life better because you bumped into my life.

2. I’d like to make my writing a priority. Not just something I think I’d “like” to do. Something I do. Something you read. Something I put out there and work on and spend time on. That’s what I’d like to see happen, and this is one avenue to that goal.

3. I would love to make some money. It may not be altruistic or selfless, but I’d like to contribute to our household financially. I’d like to sell books. I’d like to have an income doing this word-thing, and while I’m totally not sure how that’s going to happen, I’m going to give it a shot.

I’m hoping you’ll join me on the adventure as I go forward. You’ll be a most welcome companion if you do.

What about you? What kinds of things would you like to see more of on my blog? What posts do you like best? What kind of books or ebooks do you wish were available that you can’t seem to find?

Day 27: Why (and How) to Parent Innocence

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So we are edging running full-tilt toward the new and exciting world of tweens. The twins will be 9 this December, and I’m watching their maturity levels change before my eyes. They’re asking new questions. They want new privileges granted. They are responding in new (and not always respectful) ways.

It’s fun and challenging and exciting and scary. And it has required some real thinking and intentional conversation on my part. You know, as the “parent.”

For example, Alex wants to play online. He really wants to look up stuff about Super Mario games, but let’s be honest here, there’s a lot online that can surprise you when you don’t have the skills or experience to avoid it. So before I let him up his computer usage, we had a conversation. We defined the computer as a tool, a resource to help you find specific pieces of information (rather than just mindlessly surfing). We established that all computer usage has to be done with our permission (and I put my password back on my screen) and knowledge. Our computer is in a shared room with a glass door, but we specified that the door was to stay open and the screen visible at all times.

He understood. He agreed. It felt kinda like overkill because he stays on the one site we found that has everything he ever wanted to know about Super Mario Brothers. And yet, someday he’ll need to search a bit on his own. And I have to be realistic. Porn is dangerous and the people who push it don’t care about my son’s innocence. I do.

So that conversation got me thinking, especially about innocence. Because if I’m honest, I’d prefer to define innocence as “ignorant.” They don’t need to even know the words or the possibilities or the facts or how their bodies work. They’re still pretty young. It can wait.

But you know, I don’t think it can anymore. I really don’t.

Because I’m more convinced than ever that innocence isn’t about not knowing. It’s about knowing at a level appropriate to your maturity level. It means they know what they should know…and no more. We don’t keep our kids “innocent” by not having hard or awkward conversations with them; we actually handicap them and set them up for more dangerous conversations, possibly from other people who will expose them to stuff far beyond what they should know right now.

Our kids need us to be upfront with them. They need actual information, and it needs to come from us. We need to set ourselves up as authorities–open authorities–in our kids’ lives, and we do that by bringing them the information that is appropriate when it is appropriate so they don’t have to go wandering around looking for it (and getting much more than is appropriate when they do).

So what does that look like? Of course, that depends on your kids and your family. But our kids are probably more ready to know about things than we give them credit for.

Many years ago, my mom called my sister and me into our bedroom and sat down with us and a book, and we went over the “facts of life.” And I realized not that long ago, that we were probably 8 and 6 (or close to that) when she did it. And then I realized…that’s how old my girls are right now. (insert horrified gasp!)

But here’s the thing, I remember that talk. I don’t remember the entire conversation in detail. What I do remember is that she wasn’t afraid to tell us some things, that the book was off-limits (meaning we weren’t allowed to pull it down to look at by ourselves) and that I knew, from that day on, that I could ask my mom literally anything. I mean, she’d been upfront enough to share that information with me. I knew she wouldn’t hide anything I wanted to know.

So I decided to do some research. I found some great resources* that introduce those hard topics (sex and porn) on an age-appropriate level and from a Christian perspective. And I’ve started taking opportunities to talk to my kids about these things. We don’t go very deep. I don’t elaborate beyond the basics. I do want them to be innocent. But that means they need to know just what they should know and no more. And I want them to know that we are the ones to whom they can come for answers to those questions.

Talk To Me: Do you agree with my definition of innocence? What is the benefit of introducing hard topics in a controlled form? What might be the harm?

 

*I have no affiliate connection to these resources, but if you want to look them up, go here (I love that it’s a whole age-based series) and here. And let me know what you think…

Day 26: Why…

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did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

 

Because he ran out of juice.

Hahahaha. This is Tim’s top joke in the repertoire right now.

What your favorite kid-appropriate joke?

Day 25: Why Parenting is So Hard

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1. Because our kids are actual people.

When new parents announce they’re expecting and begin to fill their registry, it’s all so fun. “We’re having a baby!” And then the baby is born and for a while, it’s hard and overwhelming because it’s new and you have to keep this little thing alive. But at that stage, those little bundles don’t do so much. They eat, sleep, need diaper changes. But that’s it.

Except…it’s not. Even as a weeks-old thing, that baby’s personhood is evident. Maybe it was easier to see because I had twins, so I had something to compare with from the start. Alex has literally always been more laid-back than Erin. Megan put her whole self into her wails from her very first wails. Tim was jolly from the get-go.

Our babies are people from birth. They have likes and dislikes and definite opinions on how things should be done. In fact, some mothers can tell you about their kids before they were even born. My sister-in-law was adamantly against thumb-sucking, but when their  second daughter was born with small callouses where she’d been sucking on her hands in the womb–we all knew she was in trouble. She did finally break my niece of her thumb, but it took into kindergarten (maybe longer). Because it was part of my niece from before Day 1.

My kids, your kids, are people right this minute. Today. And if we don’t take that fact into account when we lecture or discipline or plan, we will handicap ourselves before we start. If we don’t manage our expectations with that one boundary, we will cause everyone involved a lot of tears.

2. Parenting is a marathon.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook about her struggles to get her boys to do their chores. The post garnered a lot (A LOT) of responses because every mom has been there at some point.

As I read and commented on her thread, it struck me again. What I’m trying to instill in my kids at this stage isn’t really about this current stage. I’m trying to train them for future stages. I want them to do chores today so they learn hard lessons (like “‘I don’t want to’ isn’t a good excuse not to do things” and “No one here is your maid”) that will serve them into adulthood.

Which makes parenting nothing like the sprint I wish it was. I want to teach my kids to “tell the truth” and then move on to “do your chores” and then move to “always be kind.” And once I’ve covered each concept, I want them to move on immediately. In other words, I still want the instant gratification I chide my kids for living by.

But parenting isn’t a sprint. Not done well, anyway. Whether my kids learn to make their beds isn’t really about their beds. It’s about doing the hard work to develop respect for themselves and their stuff as well as the discipline to do the right thing even when you don’t want to.

Yes, parenting is hard. And it doesn’t take many days of it to figure that out.

What about you? What do you think makes parenting so hard? 

Day 24: Why Humor Helps

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http://www.quotehd.com/Quotes/mark-twain-quote-the-human-race-has-only-one-really-effective-weapon-and-that

1. Everyone loves to laugh.

2. Figuring out what makes someone else laugh helps you know and understand that person better.

Reading my old Calvin & Hobbes books last night, Erin giggled and giggled. She’s old enough to get the humor (some of it anyway) and that’s a fun new discovery.

Alex gets puns. He already understands how changing the word makes if funny.

Megan laughs at new or unexpected things. And she puts the whole force of her personality into her laughs.

Tim laughed and then demanded I read a second time one of our library books about being a boy. He thought the socks playing pirate in a laundry basket and the personified toothbrushes fighting through a bathroom jungle were hysterical.

3. Laughter releases stress. We simply cannot maintain a high level of tension or offense or  frustration without hurting ourselves. Laughter helps us calm down.

4. Laughing bonds people. When you share a funny experience, it strengthens and unifies a group, even in spite of major differences.

5. Humor gives us perspective. It helps us see more clearly. When something can be explained using humor, we lower our defenses and can listen more fully than we ever will to a boring lecture approach.

So what makes you laugh?

Day 23: Why We Can’t Ignore Logic

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So, in the world of argumentation, the pendulum has swung pretty hard to the pathos side of things. Pathos is just a fancy word for emotional appeals, of course. It means that we focus on feelings and use words that mostly equate to sensitivity and getting people to connect on an emotional level.

The other side of the pendulum, though, is logic. Logic isn’t pretty. It’s more like the awkward cousin the cool girl has to bring to the party because her mom says she has to go too. Logic is edgy. It doesn’t feel much of anything. But it knows a lot, and it won’t shut up about numbers and evidence and proving you know what you’re talking about.

http://beggars-opera.tumblr.com/post/153358479007/so-i-just-found-the-most-useful-photo-album-in

 

But, in the world of argumentation, we need them both. Pathos and logic. They work together. The best arguments have both, but these days, we have a tendency to push logic off toward the walls while we splash some flashy colors and fancy lights on the dance floor, play a well-made video, and call a viral hashtag an argumentative success.

But logic, as plain and boring as it can be, is important. And we ignore it to our great loss.

This is most apparent when we try to show cause. Arguing cause is a big deal. To show that something caused something else is the basis for every legal case we make. Before someone can be punished for a crime, we have to be able to prove they actually DID the crime. They caused the harm. It was their fault.

Showing cause requires that you can prove certain connections between two events. Specifically, to demonstrate cause you have to be able to show that the first thing happened (the woman wore that dress) and it led directly to the second event (he raped her) with no intervening influences. THIS is the important part.

If there is anything that can intervene in the situation (as there clearly is in the “dress to rape” argument), you are not dealing with cause. PERIOD.

When we talk about sexual harassment or assault, there is always an intervening event. The path between her wearing the dress (or going to the party or whatever) and any sexual harassment or assault is littered with intervening events: namely, his choices. Her dress might cause his initial, involuntary physical reaction. But after that, he begins to make choices: to look again (and again), to desire her, to claim her in his mind as something he deserves, to objectify her, to touch her, to speak to her, to force himself on her.

All of those choices are his alone. And that precludes any possible causal link between her dress or party choices and his behavior. In other words, no woman ever causes her own harassment.

And yet, people often confuse causation (showing cause) with another logical connection between ideas: correlation. Correlation means that two (or more) things are related and impact each other. There is influence between or among them, but what that exact influence isn’t clear. Any other piece of information (what clothes she wore, that she attended the party, that he spent a lot of money buying drinks for her) falls squarely in the correlation side of things. They may be interesting details, but they have nothing to do with the direct cause. And they are almost entirely fueled by the pathos side of the argument: focusing on how someone felt (or feels now) and not the actual events as they happened.

Pathos is necessary, but it can complicate or confuse our arguments far too easily. The ability to argue cause well (or to hear when it’s being confused with correlation) will help us make better arguments and respond more effectively to the arguments we hear.

What do you think?

Do you prefer pathos or logic? What arguments have you heard that confused cause and correlation? Do you think including logic with pathos helps or hinders our communication?