Resolution

Yesterday was a tough day on many levels, but it ended up better than I was expecting. 

On Sunday evening, we had a full run-through of the Christmas program (which is this coming weekend) at church. The rehearsal wasn’t terribly well organized, and the show was pretty sloppy, overall.  But the goal was just to get through it once, and we did.  My part is primarily related to the drama.  It was first time they’d been on stage, with an audience.  And there wasn’t time to give them good directions about staging, etc.  But even acknowledging those complications, it just wasn’t where it needed to be.  I went home very discouraged.

The cloud lasted all Sunday night and all day Monday.  I’ve been struggling with feeling inadequate, unnecessary, and overwhelmed.  Our music director called a drama rehearsal with my people for Monday night, even though I couldn’t be there, and that hurt my feelings.  I met with my advisor at UD for a while, but didn’t get a lot of helpful feedback, and I have little interest in taking any of the courses that are being offered.  Then, the only “negative” comment given during our mock conference at class that night was about my paper (by another student).  It all just made my burden feel heavier. I could feel the uncried tears squeezing my lungs most of the way home, but it wasn’t until I was almost home that I could cry.  But once they started, there wasn’t much stopping them.

Monday morning, I woke up to a still-heavy heart…and an email from the music director asking for a meeting about drama.  He had decided to cut the drama as it was, totally changing it to be smaller and less complicated.  I guess I knew it was coming.  And it was exactly the right decision.  I’d been dreading this week and this program.  But it was still hard to hear.  And it was still hard to have to accept that I really wasn’t necessary to this year’s program anymore.  I cried solme more, and we talked a good bit about the entire thing. I also told him that I needed a break from the drama stuff anyway (which I’d been planning to tell him, only later).  He was in favor of that.  It’s been a difficult couple of years ministry-wise, for me and for our church, and this point needed to be reached.  But now we can really start rebuilding, and we talked about that, as well, so it was, overall, an encouraging meeting. 

I still cried some more during the rest of the day while I was grading papers for Comp.  And my heart was still pretty heavy.  But I was moving towards the other side, too.  After talking about it to Karen and to Eric, I began to realize that the heaviness was lifting and the tears were not so much from sorrow, but from relief.  Someone is finally going to help me.  I don’t have to “do” the Christmas program like I’ve had to do before.  I can put drama aside for a while and start pursuing healing from the last couple of years.  What a relief!

So this morning, I’m still recovering.  Just typing this blog was like reliving the entire thing again.  But still, it’s good. God will bless.  God always heals.  And maybe this is the beginning of the end of the wilderness road that I have felt like I’ve been on for a while. It hasn’t been all bad all the time or anything, but still…I’m looking forward to  and hoping for green pastures again!