Learning Grace

Something I’m pondering…in reference to God’s call in Isaiah 55:

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

And related to that passage, this quote: “The idea is that they were to take freely from Him what they normally would have had to pay for.” (Lioy, NIV commentary lesson)

The world tells me I have to pay for…everything. Pay ahead and someday, I’ll get what I want. Do I want to rest? Pay up in worry and hard work and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Do I want love? Pay up in service and slavery and meeting all the expectations everyone throws at me? Do I want acceptance? Pay up in lowering my standards and compromising my beliefs. Do I want peace and refreshment? Pay up. Do I want hope? Pay up. Do I want a life of ease and beauty? It can all be mine if I just.pay.up.

But God doesn’t ask us to pay. He asks us to accept. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Why? Why? Why?

I live my life trying to pay up, putting quarters into the vending machine. Thinking that if I just do enough, live enough, have enough, AM enough, then I’ll pay in enough to get out the beverage of my choice: the perfect family, “good” kids, no health scares, a big house, a flawless marriage, and on and on and on.

I spend so much time trying to earn…everything. And it’s not just that I think I need to pay for it. I want to pay for it. I have totally bought into the system that says it can all be earned. I mean, it can’t be a gift because then…because then…what about me? If I take the free gift, then it has to be about God. All about Him. And in my selfishness and pride, I refuse.

I refuse his gifts. I refuse grace. I refuse to accept his presence and power (above all I can ask or think, according to his power at work in me). I offer him my “all,” but really I’m still just trying to bribe Him, like He’s just another vending machine, to give me what I think I want.

And what do I want? More selfish control. More glory for me. Less discomfort and all of the easy street. And none of Him. No, really, I don’t really want Him. I don’t want grace.

So I have to learn it. I have to learn grace. Learn to accept it. Learn to let go of my pennies and nickels and selfish dimes. Learn to stop looking to vending machines (of people, of success, of perfection, of stuff) and learn…to LISTEN.

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Father, I’m tired of paying. You are not a vending machine. You are a drinking fountain. Free water. Clean and fresh, mine for the taking. You want me to come to you, and through Jesus, accept freely from you what I would otherwise have to pay for. You want me to let grace flow down, filling me up and pouring out so that I become a drinking fountain of grace for others.

For my kids. My husband. My neighbors. A single mother somewhere in Africa. Every single soul you cross my path with for every tomorrow that you have planned for me.

I am not this conduit of grace. Far from it, Jesus, I am only just learning grace. A baby in this context. But I am learning. I want to learn. To come and take freely from You what I would normally have had to pay for.

Show me how. Fill me up. Let me Come. Let me Listen. So that my soul will rejoice in the richest of fare.

February Already?

So a quick update of life in the Valley…

TIMMY

Timmy is now 13 months old. We are entering what is one my most favorite stages of the preschool years. He jabbers constantly, and is quickly developing sounds that are intended to be actual words. The best ones are “doggie,” “light,” “on,” and “uh-oh.” In fact, “uh-oh” is clear as a bell, and he even uses it at the appropriate moments (dropping something or falling down).  He also greeted Eric with a very clear “Dah-ee” when he walked in the other day. It was most definitely a.dor.able.

DSC_1686

Timmy’s still climbing and running all the time. He giggles with his whole self, and he puts all he’s got into fits and meltdowns, too. He put through 3 top teeth, but it took about 10 days. Either he has really slow-moving teeth or seriously thick gums. Either way…teething is painful for both of us! On the other basic fronts, he has finally started sleeping really well (most nights he goes from 8:30 or 9 to 7 with little, if any, fussing), and he’s gotten much braver with people food. He’s finally adjusted to milk, and I’ve almost stopped supplementing with baby food. Now we’re starting to experiment with silverware, but we haven’t made much progress on that front yet.

ALEX

This week’s great love is doing workbooks. My mom gave us an entire workbook of hidden picture pages (and I found another one that added mazes and dot-to-dots as well), and Alex has searched and found and colored his way through them both – along with every other workbook I could find to give him. He’s emptied my stash almost completely! It’s fun to watch him do the hidden pictures, too, because instead of circling the pictures when he finds them, he just colored the picture in the list the same color as it’s surroundings in the picture. So if he found a bug hidden on a blue roof, the bug is colored blue. And a flag on the grass is green. And if he had to find 3 of a particular item, the list picture gets a rainbow of colors, one for each hidden space.

DSC_1690

We did survive the frigid temperatures, too, although Alex was getting a little rough in his play with his sisters towards the end. He likes to sled and eat snow, but his favorite outdoor activity is finding a big stick and whacking it against a tree until it breaks into smaller and smaller pieces. I guess there’s just no separating a boy and a big stick!

ERIN

Erin loves to go outside, especially if it means one-on-one time with her dad. The other day, she bundled up and went out to play so that she would already be outside when Eric got home and could join him in the garage. When he did get back, I glanced out the window to see that he’d showed her how to slide down on her belly on the ice, no sled needed. I got some video of it later, but it was quite a fun adventure for her!

DSC_1722

She also can be a total sweetie. Our neighbors up the lane have a 4 year old who loves to play with my kids. They’ve been out regularly this week to sled and whatnot together. Anyway, one of the times they headed up to his house to play, Megan was the last to get her snow clothes on. She wanted to go, but didn’t want to walk by herself. I started her and then came in quickly to throw a coat and blanket on Tim to walk her up, but when I opened the door, Miss Erin had come back and was walking with her. Without being asked. Love.it!

Erin’s also discovered a new love: My Little Ponies. She and Meg spend a lot of the day playing with Pinkie Pie and Rarity (who is actually an older pony, Cup Cake, but they don’t know who she is, so they pretend she’s Rarity) and Rainbow Dash. Sadly we cannot watch the episodes nearly as often as she would like. But I’m sure we’ll survive the trauma somehow… 😉

MEGAN

Megan loves coloring. LOVES coloring. She also loves puzzles, playing dolls with Erin, and snuggling with me, especially in the middle of the night. 😛 There has definitely been an increase in her drama in recent days, but I’m sure that has as much to do with cabin fever as with her age! We are still fighting with potty training. I guess that is just my lot in life (hard PT-ers). The last couple of days have been seriously difficult on that front. I hope we see improvement soon.

On the other hand, Meg’s started snuggling every chance she can get (or create). And I love it. This girl gives hugs like she does everything else…with all of her. She wraps herself around your neck and holds on TIGHT. And then she snuggles in and grins up at you with the sweetest little Meg face she can muster. Yep…definitely love that little thing!

DSC_1714

And as for the rest of us…we are surviving. Not always with great beauty, and occasionally with big meltdowns (that would be me, mostly), but day-by-day we are making it through. I’m not in any hurry for Spring, to be honest, because I’m really trying not to wish away my days. But man, is it hard to stay focused and engaged all day, every day, with all four kids at once. I’m just worn out from the drain of it. Still, it’s just a stage and it’ll pass, and when it does, I’m sure I’ll miss it. Or parts of it anyway. I will NEVER miss potty-training. EVER!

DSC_1701

Just sayin’! 😉